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Jan. 3rd, 2017 10:05 am
valkryor: (Default)
[personal profile] valkryor
The worst part, I think, of being in a terrible headspace is the weirdly detached feeling of KNOWING that I am in a terrible headspace and why. It's like I am a puppet or written character or watching television; I have total control and yet none.

(So yes, I AM in a terrible headspace, why do you ask?)

The detachment is my logical brain, my medicated brain, keeping an eye on things. When I am feeling positive about whatever it is I'm feeling positive about, that part of my mind is quiet, or at least unobtrusive. When I am deeply unhappy? I notice it a lot more, and not in a corner-of-the-eye-blink-and-you'll-miss-it kind of way.

It doesn't make the mood worse, at least. Nor does it make it better. It's just there.

I don't even know if it's comforting or annoying, good or bad. Maybe it's the rope I need to haul myself out of the dark places my brain goes to because depression is awful, yo. Maybe it's a way for the knowing part of me (so often over-ridden by emotion when I slide down the spiral) to remind the believing part that the way out is through, thanks to better living through chemistry.

Or maybe, despite the mental illness, I have never been NORMAL. *snerk* Now that's something I could believe.

Date: 2017-01-03 04:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meowster.livejournal.com

Sounds like the meds aren't working to me. Do you still see that psychiatrist?  I would make an appt ASAP. Med changes take awhile to kick in so it's best to get on that train sooner rather than later.

Date: 2017-01-04 01:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] valkryor.livejournal.com
I think you might be right, but for a different reason: I have an intense feeling of having overslept, even when I haven't. This happened when the prozac stopped working, too. With pristiq, I got no relief and the depressive symptoms crept back in.

I was going to make the call for a med-refill. But it might be worth changing (again! *sigh*).

Date: 2017-01-04 06:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meowster.livejournal.com

Finding the right med combination is one of the world's most frustrating things because first you have to find the right drug then the right dosage and it all takes time for it to kick in to see what adjustments need to be made. It's a delicate dance. Especially if several meds are required.

Have you been properly diagnosed? This is another important thing. If they are not treating the root cause of the issue it's all just bandaids anyway.... did you take that super long really annoying test of questions and answers? If not, you may want to ask if you can. Proper diagnosis is key to balance.

Date: 2017-01-05 02:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] valkryor.livejournal.com
When I was first diagnosed with my psychologist, yes. There was was questionnaire, complete with some alarming questions that I answered honestly.

Major Depressive Disorder then, Dysthymia added when I applied for ODSP. (I was also tested for anxiety - apparently it's not enough to register as part of my overall mental health with a professional, but enough for me to notice. Joy.)

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