I am trying to overcome my own inertia. I don't know if it's depression-related apathy or the dreary weather or what. I have managed to get two loads of laundry mostly done. Now I need to fold it and put it away. AND I have done the majority of my physiNO. I keep adding to the work I have to do because I want my knee sorted, not because I've been tasked with doing it. I don't have another appointment for three weeks (it's how things shook out) and that's fine with me.

Declan has been insisting that he give me plants instead of cut flowers. A couple of weeks ago, it was daffodils. For Mother's Day, it's hydrangeas, which are lovely and blue. I must remember to call my own mom tomorrow before I leave for game and wish her a Happy Mother's Day. I don't bother asking what she wants anymore, because the answer is always nothing. Which is great for my wallet, but kind of hell on the guilt. :P

Now that the daffodils have finished, I need to figure out what to do with the bulbs. Maybe I will give my mom the daffodil bulbs so that she can plant them in her garden to come up next year. I don't want to throw them out, and I don't have a place to put them, so it seems like a logical solution.

(no subject)

Feb. 18th, 2017 12:56 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I went out for a walk today because the weather is glorious. I made a point of walking past a house for sale in the area that's really kind of cute and I could see myself living there (35 Fairview Ave, Kitchener for the curious). However, I do not have $350k + to throw at such a worthy abode, so it remains merely a passing fancy and nothing more.

I had the hamsters running the wrong way on the wheel and chewing on the wires on Wednesday, which is all sorts of Not Fun. I am not a fan of making a decision, following through on said choice, and then overthinking it after. It's a recipe for a full blown panic attack, I swear. I was only anxious (only anxious, like that's any better) and it dissipated fairly quickly, but it left me exhausted and wrung out.

I'm in a pretty good mood today. The sun and walk have certainly helped, but some of it might also be the increase in dosage for my brain meds. It's too early to tell if it's actually helping, but the placebo effect is a powerful thing.

Right. Time to find lunch and then clean the apartment and make brownies for my game tonight. Whee!

(no subject)

Jan. 3rd, 2017 10:05 am
valkryor: (Default)
The worst part, I think, of being in a terrible headspace is the weirdly detached feeling of KNOWING that I am in a terrible headspace and why. It's like I am a puppet or written character or watching television; I have total control and yet none.

(So yes, I AM in a terrible headspace, why do you ask?)

The detachment is my logical brain, my medicated brain, keeping an eye on things. When I am feeling positive about whatever it is I'm feeling positive about, that part of my mind is quiet, or at least unobtrusive. When I am deeply unhappy? I notice it a lot more, and not in a corner-of-the-eye-blink-and-you'll-miss-it kind of way.

It doesn't make the mood worse, at least. Nor does it make it better. It's just there.

I don't even know if it's comforting or annoying, good or bad. Maybe it's the rope I need to haul myself out of the dark places my brain goes to because depression is awful, yo. Maybe it's a way for the knowing part of me (so often over-ridden by emotion when I slide down the spiral) to remind the believing part that the way out is through, thanks to better living through chemistry.

Or maybe, despite the mental illness, I have never been NORMAL. *snerk* Now that's something I could believe.

(no subject)

Oct. 27th, 2005 05:38 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I'm feeling better. I had a cry, some food and some exercise. I even got my laundry done. It's not much, I know, but I'll take a feeling of accomplishment over worthlessness any day.

(no subject)

Oct. 20th, 2005 03:50 pm
valkryor: (Default)
Sleep helped some, but not looking for work this morning helped even more. I know I should be looking everyday, but I couldn't face it today. I would like to keep what little self-esteem I have left, if it's all the same to you and not looking for work, while counterproductive in some ways, is the best thing in others.

And yes, those others do include cleaning. The bathroom no longer has that odd aroma to it that no airfreshener could touch (ew!). I even made the effort to throw the shower curtains and window covering (which is just another piece of shower curtain to keep the wooden frame and sill dry and mostly mold free) into the wash machine. Some laundry detergent, vinegar and the throw rugs (hey, they were dirty, too) meant my clear vinyl liner is back to being clear again. Now all I have to do is a quick sweep and I'm done. Yippee.

Oh, and since all the other cool kids are doing it...


Official NaNoWriMo 2005 Participant

(no subject)

Oct. 19th, 2005 12:01 pm
valkryor: (Default)
For the third night in a row, I've had trouble falling asleep. I'm bone tired, but sleep doesn't come for at least half an hour or more. What gets me about it is my brain has shut off for the night, but my body can't seem to follow suit. The only thing that exhaustion is doing is fueling the apathy. A good night's sleep should help, but I won't know for sure until I have one.

(no subject)

Oct. 18th, 2005 06:35 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I'm having a hard time getting anything started lately. It seems my ambition to get things done is losing out to apathy. I have some cleaning that needs doing and plants that are going to start dying of thirst, but I can't be bothered, even though it will only take about 2 hours to do it.

This is part of the struggle to get my life back. I know those on my flist are incredibly supportive, but, for the most part, I have to want to do this for myself and my husband. Apathy is hard to deal with. You know what you want to do, but you just don't care.

It's a little like the voting public in this country, in some ways: you already know that the Liberals are going to win, so why bother going to the polls to try to change it. But it's self-defeatist. The Liberals only win because so little of the voting public does go out to cast their ballot.

Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm letting myself get defeated before I've tried to do anything. Maybe, instead of saying, "but a thousand steps is too much", I should say, "it's only one step. I can do that."

(no subject)

Sep. 2nd, 2005 12:59 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I'm still not very motivated to look for work. Meh. Maybe I should just call this week a write off and leave it at that. Still no call from the Evil Cable Company, either. But, for some reason, this doesn't bother me as much as it should. I know I'm still unemployed with absolutely nothing coming in, but I'm healthy and I know that [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych loves me.

Am I happy, though?

No. Although there are glimmers of happiness, the wound is still too fresh and I spent a lot of yesterday weeping. I'm more emotionally stable, but it's tenuous, like ice on a pond in March...you just never know how thick it is until you try to stand on it. It's only been five weeks and the sting of the experience can be very strong sometimes.

We had an offer last night to go to [livejournal.com profile] meowster's cottage for the weekend. It would be nice to get away, and yet, after six weeks in Toronto on an emotional rollercoaster only to be suddenly thrown off, I'd rather stay home and coccoon. [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych wants to go and that's fine. He can. But I just don't feel up to it at the moment.

I've also been adding some new people to my flist. One ([livejournal.com profile] athena_51, a fellow graduate of the UW Classics Programme) added me and is a "friend of a friend" and two others ([livejournal.com profile] snowy_kathryn and [livejournal.com profile] zero_design), I had the pleasure of meeting at the last two goth nights at Ren and who just happen to be new to the area. So welcome to you all.

(no subject)

Aug. 29th, 2005 10:22 am
valkryor: (Default)
Meh. With an actual interview and a potential one tomorrow, I've decided that I'm not going to bother to look for work today. That said, I feel impending workhood closing in on me and the last thing I want to do right now is go back to work.

I should, though, try to do something constructive with my time (like start exercising regularly again) now that it seems to me that I'm coming to the end of it. Maybe I should write. Part of me wants to, but another just can't be bothered. I have ideas for new stuff (and too much unfinished), but that would take effort.

Must fight apathy. Oh, and laundry. It needs doing, too.

(no subject)

Aug. 19th, 2005 11:47 am
valkryor: (Default)
I was too apathetic to even post yesterday. My day consisted of going to a job interview that I didn't want to go to, having a bit of breakdown on the short walk back to the bus stop, considering posting the entire experience to LJ but just didn't care enough to do so (didn't look for work for the same reason), changing my clothes before crawling back into bed for a while, made dinner, finally had the dam burst on my sadness, then stayed up way past my bedtime chatting with a friend state-side.

I needed the chat more than I would have thought. As much as I love you all, it was nice having someone who knew what had happened but could keep objective about it (probably because we've never met in real life and probably never will).

I'm still feeling melancholy, but not as apathetic, which, as strange as this sounds, is a good trade. The only real worry now is not letting this turn into a crippling bout of self-loathing because of my shape/size. It's started to creep in yesterday, but I have to do my best to boot it out the door today.

(no subject)

Aug. 5th, 2005 11:08 am
valkryor: (Default)
I'm not sure what to feel anymore. I'm anxious to get back to doing something besides hanging around the house. I guess all that time in Toronto hanging around Sick Kids/my sister's really killed the vacation-like or unemployed feel of having no where to go and nothing to do. So, it's time to find work again. Not necessarily a bad thing...since it does mean that I'm focused on something else and not staring at the curtained area where the crib is and moping all day.

It's strange. Both [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych and I feel a little bit guilty that we're not crying/mourning enough. But after six weeks of watching Shannon lay there like a warm meat-sack and being told numerous times that she wasn't going to make it, grieving (for me, at least) is old news. I cried so often by her bed crushed by the mere thought of losing her, afraid that it would end in Toronto. And it did. Now I have to move on.

It's not very eloquent or even very nice, but it's accurate. We have to move as soon as we can and both of us have to go back to some form of employment. And for me (at this moment, anyway), the sooner, the better.

(no subject)

Aug. 4th, 2005 09:25 am
valkryor: (Default)
I was woken up last night after only being asleep for about half an hour by [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych swapping his pocket stuff from his pants to his shorts. He said he was going out with [livejournal.com profile] meowster (suffering from insomnia) for a little while.

I know that it was good for both [livejournal.com profile] meowster and [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych (and after nearly two months of living in each other's pockets, both of us need some private downtime), but I felt like I'm not worth being around.

It's very true that I would have been sleeping while my husband was restless and wakeful and probably pacing the apartment (if not using the computer), but I would have slept a little better if he was home.

Done is done. I can't change that. The feeling, though, won't go away.

(no subject)

Jul. 28th, 2005 01:00 am
valkryor: (Default)
Yesterday I was in a very dark place.

Today was better.

I'm very very tired now.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is a very fun movie.

I go bed now.

(no subject)

Jul. 7th, 2005 08:04 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I have this powerful urge to chuck my parent badge into the nearest bin, go home and turn off the phone and pretend that none of this is happening, so I can go back to living a semblance of a life. Nothing makes any sense and this is the only way that I can think of to impose some sort of order on chaos.

I bring Miss Kitty (Shannon's favourite toy) with me to the hospital everyday to remind her (remind me) that she (that I) had a life outside of Sick Kids and that all of this is a bad dream. But it's not just a dream and it gets harder and harder to convince myself that she'll ever wake up again. I fear that she has (I have) given up the fight.

When you have kids, you don't intend to pin hopes/dreams on them, but seconds after that first cry, you do it without even realizing that it's happened. And now I have the (mis)fortune to watch them ebb away into nothingness.

I feel so empty inside, hollow. I'm kind of hungry, but I don't want to eat. I had moments like this after Gus died, but it wasn't this complete. Now if it's all the same to you, I think I'm going to crawl off under a rock somewhere and cry myself to oblivion.

(no subject)

Jul. 3rd, 2005 06:33 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I feel so empty. And I'm finding it harder and harder to go to the hospital, but everytime I leave I'm afraid something else is going to go wrong. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. But it just never fucking ends.

I don't want to lose my baby.

(no subject)

Jun. 29th, 2005 10:01 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I'm getting so tired of the uncertainty. Things didn't go as planned today, but I really don't feel like updating that bit, so I'm leaving it to my other half.

I don't know what to do or what to feel or how to be anymore.

"I don't know"...just three little words. And I can't even begin to describe how much I hate them.

But it's the only thing I have left anymore that makes people stop asking questions.

And I'm starting to hate myself for not having anything more to offer except those three words.

So please, please don't ask me how I'm doing. I honestly and truly do not know.

(no subject)

May. 17th, 2005 01:22 pm
valkryor: (Default)
It feels like I get no relief.

I take care of the baby, my husband and the cats.

When is someone going to take care of me?

(Or did I waive that priviledge when my daughter made her first raspy cries?)

(no subject)

May. 13th, 2005 09:11 am
valkryor: (Default)
Part of me wants to sabotage my entire exercise plan. Why? Because it's a damn sight easier to be out of shape and unhappy about it than work towards something that would make me happier.

It's an incredibly defeatist view, and it would be so easy to just give in (and give up). I still have clothes that fit (even if I don't like the way that they do fit), so why should I care?

Apathy is a dangerous thing. Too much of it, and I may as well not get out of bed at all.

But I cannot succumb. I will not.

I keep telling myself this, too. And the lure of giving in is still lurking, waiting to strike.

The new Nine Inch Nails single "Hand that Feeds" has a line that I find extremely inspiring: "Do you want to change it". Everytime I hear it, I scream "yes!" in my head but I get trapped by my inability to conquer my apathy.

If I could get [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych interested and involved, that would help me out a great deal. But he's not fond of walks without a destination and I'm too self-conscious to dance with him (even in our own livingroom).

Bah! I quit.

(No, not really, but it felt good to say. I'll keep soldiering on as best I can.)

(no subject)

May. 11th, 2005 10:37 pm
valkryor: (Default)
For some reason I wasn't able to update last night...everytime I did a mouse-over on the dark blue bar just under the LJ logo, I got nada and I wasn't going to download a client just for the priviledge, so I didn't bother.

Completely Random Neat Thing but Unrelated to the Rest of the Post Update: My hoya is in bloom. I bought it at the symphony sale last year and I wasn't expecting flowers so soon. It's very fragrant and reminds me a little of home, since my mom had a ginormous one growing in the kitchen that would bloom on occasion.

Actual Update: The power was out for five hours today. Apparently, a transfer line at King and Northfield got taken out, leaving what was supposed to be only a few blocks on either side without power. Well, it was those few blocks and some pretty freaking big pockets (like all the way back to Weber and Erb). [livejournal.com profile] joncanuck popped by so I wouldn't die of boredom because I literally had nothing else to do.

The power's back (obviously), so now I can do computer stuff or read or watch television. Damn I miss electricity when it's not available to me.

I'm also trying to figure out why the only emotion I feel in its full spectrum is anger. It seems that everything I do turns to shit, that I can do nothing right and even small victories (like, for example, I read an entire novel yesterday. Okay, it was Terry Pratchett and not that difficult a read, but reading isn't something I do a lot of anymore) feel empty and hollow. So I feel like a disappointment (not on the public humiliation level that eventually gets laughed off and forgotten, but at the intimate level, where it sits like a scab to be picked at) to my nearest and dearest, and it gets translated into anger. Anger that I direct at the baby, my husband and the cats.

Nothing changes. I'm still in the same position treading water while everyone around me is getting on with their lives. And I'm stuck.

I had quite a large inheritance when my father died and I know I squandered a lot more of it than I should have, but I'm so tired of apologizing for to the universe for it. I'm sorry, okay? Just leave me alone.

(no subject)

Apr. 26th, 2005 06:37 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I found out today that the little white house had been sold. I don't know why, but I had already fallen in love with it and now I'm really saddened that it had been sold to someone else. It's also become apparent that we'll be in this pokey flat for another five years at least while we pay down debts and try to cobble together a down payment.

I don't know if I can do it. I'm so tired of living like a student when I've had my degree for almost five years now.

Now it's looking like I'll have to go back to work sooner than expected, just so we have a bit more money coming in. But that won't be easy, because I'll have to work days (8-4, Tues-Wed off if I go back to Hell) and with [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych working afternoons/nights, we won't have to pay for a babysitter.

I'm not ready to go back. I don't want to go back to Arvato. But the number of options has dwindled and if I want to move into a house of my own, I have to do something about it.

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