I am trying to overcome my own inertia. I don't know if it's depression-related apathy or the dreary weather or what. I have managed to get two loads of laundry mostly done. Now I need to fold it and put it away. AND I have done the majority of my physiNO. I keep adding to the work I have to do because I want my knee sorted, not because I've been tasked with doing it. I don't have another appointment for three weeks (it's how things shook out) and that's fine with me.

Declan has been insisting that he give me plants instead of cut flowers. A couple of weeks ago, it was daffodils. For Mother's Day, it's hydrangeas, which are lovely and blue. I must remember to call my own mom tomorrow before I leave for game and wish her a Happy Mother's Day. I don't bother asking what she wants anymore, because the answer is always nothing. Which is great for my wallet, but kind of hell on the guilt. :P

Now that the daffodils have finished, I need to figure out what to do with the bulbs. Maybe I will give my mom the daffodil bulbs so that she can plant them in her garden to come up next year. I don't want to throw them out, and I don't have a place to put them, so it seems like a logical solution.

(no subject)

Apr. 23rd, 2017 08:54 am
valkryor: (Sludge Lagoon)
Family Easter today. Last week, we were at the in-laws. I really did not enjoy it. Everyone talks over every one else and I found it especially draining this time. So much so that I was still feeling the effects two days later. Paul's family is fine. They're good people, if a bit...conventional. It was more than I could handle and really needed quiet alone time with nothing more demanding than ambient, everyday home noises, like the ticking of clocks and the sound of traffic through open windows.

Today is my family which should be easier. I can always escape outside since the weather will be lovely. They already know I'm weird and a bit of a loner, so it won't seem odd or leave me feeling guilty when I need some breathing room. And I managed to get my brother-in-law's sewing mostly done (one small hand-stitched seam left), which is awesome, because it's his Christmas present from me to him. Making a gift of my labour and time is something I can get behind. It really takes the pressure off me and my (often) lack of available funds.

Oooo! I think I shall dig out a Christmas-appropriate gift bag and hand the sewing over that way. I'm fairly certain I have one (or a lot) that are big enough. :)

(no subject)

Oct. 11th, 2005 11:32 am
valkryor: (Default)
Thanksgiving weekend involved way too much food. But at no point did I eat so much that I felt nauseous. See? Even I can learn.

I'm tired this morning. I'm all socialled out and need a few days of not going anywhere or seeing anybody to recentre myself. I am, though, back to looking for work. Holy jumping does it ever suck. I've applied to a few jobs this morning, including a couple that I had applied to previously, but I can't take months to look for something this time. Our finances will not hold (and for some reason, I can't win the lottery).

I did get a very nice surprise yesterday. Whilst at my mom's, she asked if I wanted my birthday/Christmas present. With my birthday being six weeks away from Christmas, I have never gotten a combined gift, but this year it happened. Not that I'm complaining. It's not everyday you get a brand new sewing machine with a 25 year parts warranty. When I find some time today, I'm going to sit and figure out how it goes. Then maybe I can start working on my costume and get that sorted before next week. It also means I should get my mom's old machine back to her as soon as I can. I just don't have the room to store it here.

(no subject)

Sep. 24th, 2005 03:42 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I think I may have figured out how to fix my sewing machine. Right down to the foot that I've always had problems with. My mom, months back, loaned me her machine. On a sort of permanent basis. It works great and sews just about anything. I have another machine of the same model, but for quite some time, I've not been able to change the stitch length and my foot pedal likes periodically not working (I suspect that is a result of the cord that powers it being taped in three places).

I pulled off a face plate and have been fiddling around with the stitch length/reverse mechanism. And it looks like I can solve the entire mess with a little WD-40. Which is cheap and easy to come by because I'm pretty broke. I have to wait for a while for the oil to penetrate between the bits of metal and unstick it, but I have a costume to make, so I can work on that whilst I'm waiting.

Since my mom's machine makes a hell of a lot more noise than my own, I'm going to swap out her foot pedal for mine. Then I can have my machine back. Yay!

(If I can't fix the stitch length/reverse mechanism, I'll just use mom's machine and put mine aside until I have enough money to take it in somewhere to have it fixed. Hang on, that means that nothing's changed since I was already doing that. :P Here's hoping, though.)

UPDATE: I managed to fix the machine kinda sorta. What didn't work before now does, but it's acquired more quirks overall than it had before. But now the stitch length mechanism actually moves instead of being locked in place and the foot delivers a steady stream of power to the motor. It's not a perfect repair, but it goes, and that's all I really wanted.

(no subject)

Sep. 9th, 2005 01:16 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I'm just waiting for my mom to stop by and then I'm getting out of the house for while so I can go to the bank (ooo, exciting...:P). I have money (okay, it's an insurance cheque and some cash, but hey, it's money) to deposit. That's good. It means I can afford my Hallowe'en costume (ie. it comes out of my pocket instead of [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych's). And to put off going back to the Hell that Goes Up for another week.

It's not much, but it's something. I'll take it.

The cash, incidentally, is coming from a couple that my mom sews scope covers for. They own a local crossbow company and I think I've met them all of about half a dozen times. Still, it means another week without having to go back. I feel a lot better today.

(no subject)

Aug. 5th, 2005 11:08 am
valkryor: (Default)
I'm not sure what to feel anymore. I'm anxious to get back to doing something besides hanging around the house. I guess all that time in Toronto hanging around Sick Kids/my sister's really killed the vacation-like or unemployed feel of having no where to go and nothing to do. So, it's time to find work again. Not necessarily a bad thing...since it does mean that I'm focused on something else and not staring at the curtained area where the crib is and moping all day.

It's strange. Both [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych and I feel a little bit guilty that we're not crying/mourning enough. But after six weeks of watching Shannon lay there like a warm meat-sack and being told numerous times that she wasn't going to make it, grieving (for me, at least) is old news. I cried so often by her bed crushed by the mere thought of losing her, afraid that it would end in Toronto. And it did. Now I have to move on.

It's not very eloquent or even very nice, but it's accurate. We have to move as soon as we can and both of us have to go back to some form of employment. And for me (at this moment, anyway), the sooner, the better.

(no subject)

Jul. 24th, 2005 11:04 am
valkryor: (Default)
It was strange sleeping in my own bed last night. It wasn't very comfortable. Which means that I'm getting used to sleeping on an air mattress. Yippee.

But it was good to get out and LARP last night. Even though it was fast time, I needed to be someone else for a few hours. Very good for the psyche, especially after the beating it's taken over the past few weeks.

My kitties are happy that we're home. I wish we could stay, but we have a bigger obligation laying drugged out in a hospital crib at Sick Kids, so it's back to Toronto today.

Hopefully we'll be home soon to stay. I'm getting tired of having to make special arrangements to be in my apartment and it's becoming quite apparent that while my sister will never say anything, it's time for us to go.

Two weeks. Maybe three. It all depends, now, on how well Shannon can be weaned off the ventilator. After that, it's all gravy.

(no subject)

Jul. 23rd, 2005 12:35 am
valkryor: (Default)
We went out to dinner with my sister, her boyfriend and her bf's brother. It was tasty, but my knee hurts.

[livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych and I decided to walk back from the hospital because it was a lovely summer day. When we got the the apartment, the other three were going out to dinner and invited us to tag along. So we took the dog and walked about 45 mins to the restaurant. Half-way there, I took a spill. I hit a patch of uneven sidewalk, went over on my ankle and skidded heavily on my other knee. To add insult to injury, my purse swung around and smacked me in the back of my head (didn't hurt, but, egad, was it embarrassing!). We kept walking and my ankle was fine, but my knee is still giving me some trouble.

I'm going to find some ice and make with the cold. Hopefully that helps.

Dread

Jun. 21st, 2005 01:16 pm
valkryor: (Wings)
The lump of dread is sitting in my throat now. Hopefully by this time tomorrow, it will be done and over with only the wait for recovery.

(If there's one more set back I will fucking scream. I can't do this waiting thing anymore. My sister and her boy have been great, but it would be just too fucking much.)

(no subject)

Jun. 15th, 2005 02:11 pm
valkryor: (Wings)
The surgery has been rescheduled for Tuesday of next week (the 21st - also the Solstice and the longest day of the year). I'm still pretty fucking tired from yesterday. But the heat has broken and that's at least something.

Last night when on a quick shopping trip with my sister for little things like diapers and formula. It was nice to get out and hang out with Sheila for a bit...but it was eerie, too. When we were in a Dollarama, just poking around, as we were storming down one aisle, she turned to me and said, "I feel like Aunt Pat and Mom looking for a bargain." There are just some parallels, as accurate as they may be, that you just don't want to have drawn. Especially the ones about becoming your mother...:P

I sent [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych out for a bit so we could both have some alone time. He wanted to go to Sonic Boom and rifle through the used bins and I needed some time to myself (and the baby's asleep right now, so it's perfect!). I even gave him some money (an early Father's Day present from Shannon) to do this with. Sometime after he gets back we're going to go for a walk to the Music Garden for our family outing.

We're still undecided about what to do about staying in Toronto. We could go home and come back on Monday or we could stay (my sister and her boyfriend have already stated that we can stay as long as we need to). We just don't know. We could treat this as a mini-vacation before her next surgery or we could go home and try to relax there as best we can before coming back here. Both have their pros and cons and this is something that we'll have to discuss later today.

(no subject)

May. 31st, 2005 06:09 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I'm doing some laundry and I noticed that the furnace was on AGAIN! WTF? It's not that cold, even in the basement apartment. And if you are cold, put on a sweater or something, but for the love of Pete, don't turn on the fucking heat until October.

With the last of the money from [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych's grandmother, I went to Zellers and bought a Jolly Jumper. Shannon's not quite sure what to make of it, but she doesn't scream when she's put into it, so I'm going to take that as a positive sign. She should figure it out soon enough, and then she will scream, but only when we're taking her out! :)

The surgery date is looming ahead. We're both under constant stress and unease. The next two weeks are going to be maddening...not all anticipation is good. Adding to this is another layer of stress coming from my mom. When we told both sets of parental units about the surgery and about our wish to not have them come down to the hospital and wait with us, my in-laws agreed to that without argument and will only come down when it's a good time for Shannon to have visitors, but my mom is being argumentative.

Let me set the stage for Shannon's first heart surgery (PDA Stent and Bilateral Pulmonary Banding...also called the Hybrid Procedure) on 2004 Dec 07: the grandparents (my in-laws and mom) want to be there. I would rather that they didn't, but [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych wanted them to be there for support, so I relented. I don't play well with others at the best of times, and being under so much stress, I couldn't handle anyone, so I went into the CCU waiting lounge across the hall alone. [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych felt like he was being pulled in two directions and he also felt that he had to entertain the grandparents while at the hospital. I felt pressured and high strung for most of the day until my sister stopped by in the late afternoon. I started to calm down. While my sister was there, the grandparents left to go home (thank the gods) and after seeing Shannon one more time, we went back to my sister's place with her on the subway, had a bite to eat, then met up with [livejournal.com profile] clawfoot and [livejournal.com profile] epi_lj for the Spongebob Squarepants Movie.

All in all, not a very pleasant experience. We both had enough on our plates with the Hybrid procedure without [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych having to deal with family and me trying to avoid them. It clearly didn't work very well. This time, we decided to do this one alone, calling with the result as soon as we knew what was going on.

But that's not good enough for my mom.

When we told her the surgery date, she argued against our explicit wish to not come to Sick Kids. She's even using strong arm tactics to guilt/pressure my in-laws (who are being incredibly supportive about this) into changing their minds so that she can be there. I understand that she's terrified. But she has no right to make this all about her. She made the case that if something happens, she wants to be there to say goodbye. But this is open heart surgery with a heart-lung machine and the whole works. If something happens (touch wood that it doesn't), it will happen fast. There won't be time for the kind of goodbyes where Shannon can hear them. It will be too late for that.

I know it's morbid and negative to think like this, but this is why they have survival rates for surgeries.

I want her to understand that we're not doing this as a punishment or to marginalize her importance in Shannon's life, but that as her parents we have to be as focused as possible and we can only do that without distraction from the parental units. [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych is going to talk to my mom about this sometime this week. If I went with him, it would become a heated argument and it wouldn't get anyone anywhere.

I'm just don't want this to turn into a grudge. My mom and her brother no longer speak to each other because when he needed her to be there for him, she was too busy with something else (this was 7 years ago!). It's stupid, but that's all it takes, and I'm worried that this whole surgery thing is going to cut me off from my mom and poison the it's-now-finally-a-good relationship I have with my sister (which is very bad, since we'll be staying with my sister and her boyfriend while in Toronto).

Now my tummy is urpy. :P That's enough or I will get an ulcer.

GARGE!

May. 7th, 2005 12:38 pm
valkryor: (Default)
So last night I found the perfect way to go through nearly an entire kilo of icing sugar...three pans of nanaimo bars! I made the peanut butter ones with natural peanut butter (ie. just peanuts), so I'm hoping that they taste okay.

Today was the KW Symphony Sale. Got up after only four hours (!) of sleep and went to look at other people's crap. We took the baby. It would have been marginally easier for me to have the stroller instead of the snugli, but we made out okay, just the same. [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych struck out again, while [livejournal.com profile] meowster made out like a bandit! I found some neat stuff (Harry Potter 2 & 3 in hardcover), a nifty liquid measuring cup (looks like the ones that Alton Brown uses on Good Eats), the very first Dungeons and Dragons Basic Set in a box with dice (that one was more for the geek in me...it is, though, in fantastic shape) and a really interesting Development of Writing teacher's guide thing. It has a lovely picture of the rosetta stone and a few other odds and sods that make it an interesting piece. The whole lot cost $5.50, so I can't complain. :)

My uncle Paul, though, he found the prize. Two bowls, basic white dinner ware and obviously well used. Cost a whole quarter for both. The mark on the back was in German and had a swastika! It was Third Reich issue and graced someone's table at one point. The staff of volunteers never looked at the back. So what he bought for a pittance is going to be sold on eBay for whatever the last bidder is willing to pay.

Open Ears

May. 1st, 2005 01:14 am
valkryor: (Default)
Just got home from seeing Negativland and Diamanda Galas. This was also the first time that we left Shannon at my mom's so we could go out (we had [livejournal.com profile] clawfoot come over to babysit the last time we went out). Shannon took to it okay. There was some crying, and even projectile vomit, but she didn't sleep, so we have a very tired baby right now.

Anyway, on to the shows...

Diamanda Galas was first at one of the churches downtown. She was like a spectre of a forgotten fury still screaming for justice. I can't describe it. It was. I did enjoy it which is what really matters. Though it will give me something to chew on for a while.

Negativland at City Hall. In the Council Chambers no less. Very cool. Again, enjoyable. It's going to be used for a webstreaming radio broadcast, so if you can catch it that way, do so. They even managed to tie one of their pieces to the Diamanda Galas perfomance in theme, which was most likely serendipity, but still very cool.

Very tired. Going to have tea and then go to bed. So sleepy.

Fin

Mar. 24th, 2005 10:41 am
valkryor: (Default)
I finished the jacket for Tabula Rasa last night and I have to say DAMN! it looks cute. I've used velcro for the fasteners (ease of use when it comes to a baby and I just happened to have it on hand), and the ears flop to the sides, just like a lop eared rabbit. I was having some trouble last night trying to figure out how to attach the lining to the sleeves. I called my mom, who is well and truly learned in such matters, and I still couldn't figure it out. After a second phone call and a quick net search I was still flummoxed. So my mom came over and showed me what she meant.

Have I mentioned yet that my mom totally rocks?

My mom, still getting over a particularly nasty cold, drove over, showed me how to roll the lining into the sleeve so it could be sewn, then drove home so she could watch a mystery/cop programme made by the BBC at 9. I'm amazed that she would do that. She didn't have to. It's possible I might have figured it out or, which is an even greater possibility, I could have popped round sometime today to have her show me. But she came by and I managed to finish the jacket last night.

On a completely unrelated note...
The Giant Tiger in Cambridge (the one in Preston, on highway 8) has on the heading-towards-KW side of it's sign "Run. The Bunnies Are Coming." It tickles me everytime I think of it...:)

More Pics!

Dec. 19th, 2004 08:05 pm
valkryor: (Default)
These were taken Saturday night as we were leaving Toronto at my sister's and her boyfriend's condo. The dog (5 month old German Shepherd) is named Kitty and she can be a handful when no one pays attention to her. My apologies about the size of the pics, I didn't post them.

Clicky Clicky
I hate pumping.

It's the biggest pain in the ass imaginable. Okay, breast milk is best for baby, and expressed breast milk (also called EBM) that is bottle fed is the next best thing to getting it from the source. I would love nothing more than to stop pumping and start breastfeeding Shannon. The only problem with this is I haven't been attempting to breastfeed Shannon all this time. Hospitals are fucked up places and they stress me out. They also stress out my daughter, so, in beginning (and after a few frustrating and devastating attempts), it was easier to pump and bottle. I found out today from a lactation consultant that breastfeeding should be established by the fourth week at the latest. And, according to my math, it's "too late". Pumping, though, is a total disconnect. I go into a different room with a machine, and do a damn good imitation of a cow. It's depressing and stressful and it's started to affect the amount of milk I get. I've completely gone off any schedule that I had paritally because of how it makes me feel (which, when you get down to it, is awful).

Did I mention how much I hate pumping?

The major problem with stopping is the cost of formula. It's cheaper to rent a pump per month than to pay for formula. So I'm in a bit of a bind if Shannon doesn't take to the breast. I can either do something I can't stand and find demoralizing or I can pay through the nose to feed my baby. It's a lose-lose situation and I don't really know what to do. I will try to breastfeed her, but if it doesn't work, I have to figure something out quickly or she'll go hungry and I'll go mad.

I'm not too sure how I feel about Christmas anymore.

On the only real positive note, we've been excused from Christmas, in that no one's expecting any gifts from us. And as we have less than no funds, it's perfect. I am, though, getting my sister something...she wants a cutting of my spider plant (hers had scale that was aggressively treated a few times and kept coming back)...it's a free gift (I have soil and pots and the aforementioned spider plant at home), so that I can manage. The only other thing I could do is Christmas baking. Not free, I know, but relatively inexpensive.

So enter Boxing Day. [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych's extended family every year used to get together on Dec 26, but they haven't done so in years. So now we have a baby that turns out to be tremendously sick and all of a sudden the gathering is happening again this year. I don't want to go. I hate big gatherings of any type (family, though, is the worst for me, unless it's my mom's side, but that's a different story) and this is something that [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych wants us to go to so that they can all see the baby, get it out of their system, and go back to ignoring us. They wanted to hand Shannon from person to person to person, but with her recent heart surgery, it's hands off. I wish I could make it hands off for everyone except parents, but my mother in law will explode when she holds Shannon and the sooner I get it over with the better.

Now the only thing I have to do is email my in laws and make it clear that everyone has to wash their hands before touching her and anyone with a cold/flu/unexplained cold-like symptoms should not come on account of Shannon's health.

Even though I like winter, walking back from Sick Kids it decided to rain and snow. Man I hate it when it does that. One or the other, but not both. When it's both, it's like being slushed on. And slush is icky. :P

And, after all that, here's the good news: We should be home by Monday. We were told Friday again by the Nurse Practitioner and they will do every thing they can to make it happen, but if it doesn't, it will be within a few days. Oh god. I can't wait to get my baby home.

Stuff

Dec. 5th, 2004 11:25 am
valkryor: (Default)
I just had a look at my user info page and I really should get around to changing my bio thingy. It's a little outdated. Meh. That's a project for when I actually have the time and more than just the thought that I should rewrite it.

Being here in Toronto is really strange. We rush to the hospital to spend time with Shannon, but since she's hooked up to 9 IV's at last count (one of them is a morphine drip so she won't pull out the ventilator), she just lays there and we feel useless. At least in Hamilton, we could change her bum, feed her and hold her. The only thing we can do here, really, is touch her head and legs (the nurses let me bring in booties for her feet which were a bit on the chilly side). I miss my baby.

One a plus side to this fucking awful mess, staying with my sister is a hell of a lot less stressful than I was anticipating. We're actually getting along more as friends and less as siblings (which for us is an improvement...we fought a lot growing up) and the plus side is when [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych and I get back from Sick Kids, we can hang out with her and her boyfriend and not talk about the hospital! It doesn't seem like a big deal, but it's nice to have some non-crisis conversation and actually laugh at stupid shit. It's also keeping me relatively sane.

Speaking of sanity, yesterday after leaving Shannon, I was so angry. And it was stupid and baseless. I was angry (along with bitter and frustrated, but those are two emotions that are always with me these days) at, are you ready for this? Women who had had healthy babies. What gave them the right to only have to worry about 2 am feedings when I'm constantly scared that mine isn't going to make it until tomorrow?

The feeling's gone now, but the fear behind it is not. Tomorrow, when we finally hear from the doctors what the best course of action will be, is going to be a hard day.
Well, I didn't get my birthday wish afterall. Damn. I've been looking forward to that drink for a long long time. Oh well. Not that I would have enjoyed the taste of alcohol yesterday, what with the cold and the aftertaste of Ricola and everything, but it would have been nice.

Otherwise, though, it was a good day yesterday. I ate WAY too much, thanks to my mom and [livejournal.com profile] clawfoot, and even got a huge boquet of yellow freesia from the Grays. I like getting flowers. It's also probably the only aspect of me that's really a girly girl.

Now I have half the money for that writer's conference in June (my mom is incredible, really. She even permanently loaned me her old sewing machine because mine is pooched), lots to read ("Shadowmarch" from my understanding and very patient husband and the first Lemony Snickett book from [livejournal.com profile] meowster) and gift certificates to squander delightfully on comics and a hair cut (from the exceedingly generous [livejournal.com profile] joncanuck and [livejournal.com profile] the_daily_rant who stuck them in a punishing card).

Friday night, I drank a little too much tea, but was in the company of friends, so having to get up at least six times to pee in the middle of the night was worth it. :) So thanks to all and sundry who made my very low-key "milestone" birthday worth celebrating, by making it all about me and not at all about the parasite.

(no subject)

Nov. 6th, 2004 03:28 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I've been feeling out of sorts lately. Okay. To be fair, being pregnant has made me not the easiest person to get along with as of late, and I'm more than willing to admit that that has made me out of sorts (and snappish and cranky, etc, etc, etc).

But this is different.

Family is starting to make Christmas plans (it's still seven weeks away), and on account of the baby, they want to get the most bang for their buck. I understand that. I really do. Christmas is a time to fondle the new life for cousins and aunts since I'm vetoing hospital visits (I don't like hospitals and I don't think I'm going to need the *extra* stress of visitations by people I barely know in a place I have no love of).

However, next week is my birthday, and no one at all has asked me what I have planned. Granted, I have no plans, but that's not the point. I'm turning 30. Last I checked, that was considered a significant birthday, but the parasite (along with the Great Consumeristic-Masquerading-As-Fellowship-And-Family Holiday) has eclipsed everything else.

It's like everyone's saying "Who cares about you. What about the baby?" and it's not very nice to feel like nothing more than an uncaring, unfeeling automaton; a vessel for life to be discarded once that life finally emerges.

I'm probably blowing this entirely out of proportion, but there it is.

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