(no subject)

Apr. 23rd, 2017 08:54 am
valkryor: (Sludge Lagoon)
Family Easter today. Last week, we were at the in-laws. I really did not enjoy it. Everyone talks over every one else and I found it especially draining this time. So much so that I was still feeling the effects two days later. Paul's family is fine. They're good people, if a bit...conventional. It was more than I could handle and really needed quiet alone time with nothing more demanding than ambient, everyday home noises, like the ticking of clocks and the sound of traffic through open windows.

Today is my family which should be easier. I can always escape outside since the weather will be lovely. They already know I'm weird and a bit of a loner, so it won't seem odd or leave me feeling guilty when I need some breathing room. And I managed to get my brother-in-law's sewing mostly done (one small hand-stitched seam left), which is awesome, because it's his Christmas present from me to him. Making a gift of my labour and time is something I can get behind. It really takes the pressure off me and my (often) lack of available funds.

Oooo! I think I shall dig out a Christmas-appropriate gift bag and hand the sewing over that way. I'm fairly certain I have one (or a lot) that are big enough. :)

SMRT

Oct. 28th, 2005 12:19 am
valkryor: (Choo Choo)
I am so smart. S-M-R-T! :P

Well, it's done. I have tamed the beast that is my inlaws' computer. Between a spelling mistake (probably my fault...even if it wasn't, I'll take the blame for it), the wrong POP3 server (sympatico is so odd that way) and ZoneAlarm deciding to do what it wanted (and not letting anyone change it back), it was quite the mess.

After some uninstalling (bye bye, wonky ZoneAlarm), some cleaning of unwanted files/registry items, a scan for spyware, installing a new firewall (they have DSL light and need one), finding and fixing the spelling mistake (and putting in the correct mail server) and after multiple reboots, some quick tutorials and a few other odds and sods the email works again.

Hurray!

Now, hopefully, I won't have to spend another two hours in future fixing the same bloody problem.

(no subject)

Oct. 25th, 2005 06:28 pm
valkryor: (Default)
Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.

Every year I tell myself that I'm not going to go nuts on my Hallowe'en costume and spend hours upon hours sewing the damned thing only to get a couple of hours use out of it, and every year, I seem to fall into that trap.

This year, I'm sorry to say, has been no exception. When I found the crinoline/slip at Value Village, I thought, great, I'll just add this with something else and I'll be done. No dice. It was waaaay too small, meaning I would have to build another half then attach it. Building it, so far, hasn't been heinous, just time consuming.

I found out, not ten minutes ago, that when I finally put in the diamond netting to make the new front half poof out as much as the back, the top won't fit right. I have neither time nor money to make a suitable top, so I'm kinda stuck. I now have to tear apart the new front from the back, take the outside panel and the inside panel apart, then sew the two panels together in a skirt like fashion and then finish it (hemming, elasticized waist). This means that the one I found at Value Village is only good for scraps, really (or, if I can sew the seams back together, someone else might get some use out of it).

But I can't work on my costume tonight, because my in-laws' computer doesn't work. Again.

Fuckles.

(no subject)

Sep. 11th, 2005 03:46 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I'm so sleepy right now. There's still housework left to do yet today and neither of us wants to do anything ([livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych is napping on the couch while I type this) about it.

The weekend, though, has been good. Very social, though, and it looks like this is a trend that will probably carry on through to Christmas. Not that I mind seeing my friends, but after a while, I like spending entire days with my significant other without having to go anywhere.

Friday night was [livejournal.com profile] lovecraftienne's Muffing Day party. Much fun, conversation and lechery were had by all who attended. I drank some Black Bush scotch neat...[livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych's jaw hit the floor on that one. :) It was good alkeyhall and I likes it, but it might have been a bit smoother with some ice.

Yesterday was not one, but two separate gatherings in Woodstock of all places. My brother-in-law invited us and a gaggle of cousins over for burgers and such. I should have brought something, but I didn't think of it until too late. Oops. It was okay, but I don't really know the cousins because I've only met them all of three times. Some of them are only 5 years younger than me, but we have nothing in common, especially since I'm not much of a drinker and I don't like beer as a rule. For part of it, I felt very alone and out of my element. Add to that some body issues (two of them have had kids and you'd never know...all of the women there were unbelievably skinny) and I was very tempted to haul off somewhere else and read. I wasn't excluded, by any stretch, but I felt like a fat lump with nothing to offer.

We left just before 8 and went across town for tea and mildly inappropriate conversation with Jocasta, a friend [livejournal.com profile] robigus and I met in senior greek. I needed the contrast, I think. And it was nice to have someone who got my references without having to explain them. I must go back again soon, next time with [livejournal.com profile] robigus, so we can cackle like a trio of witches over something only considered moderately amusing by someone else.

Today has been very relaxing. Breakfast at Ethel's, followed by a long and winding route home. It's a gorgeous day and it was a good walk back. We stopped at a brand new dollar store (Dollar Fusion, corner of King N and Young) along the way. It's pretty darned good. We picked up a few things we needed as we poked around. I noticed that they had canvas bracelets in a punk style (metal studs and snaps). They didn't fit, sadly, but if you're looking for that sort of thing and don't want (p)leather, you can go there. We even walked past a house and had quick look around the property. It only made us want it more. Now if only we had money.

(no subject)

Aug. 13th, 2005 10:15 pm
valkryor: (Wings)
Well, it's done. All of Shannon's things are packed up and/or disassembled and ready to be shipped to Guelph tomorrow morning where they will stay in my in-laws' crawl space until we decide if we're going to have another child or not.

In some ways, it's good to get the space back so we can figure out how we're going to make use of it. In other ways, it drives home the point that Shannon really is gone.

Poopie.

(no subject)

Aug. 1st, 2005 06:36 pm
valkryor: (Default)
Funerals are just...weird. It's not only a sombre occasion but also a social event. And it feels like I'm trapped in a Dali painting (or Jackson Pollock...can't tell which just yet), all sharp edges and strange blurs. [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych went to his parents' trailer outside of New Dundee, but right now I'm all socialed out. I need some time to myself to sit and ooze while I decompress. So I think I'll give the Kaiser Chiefs another spin and maybe give the bathroom a scrub. At least the process of making a dirty thing clean still makes sense.

(no subject)

May. 31st, 2005 06:09 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I'm doing some laundry and I noticed that the furnace was on AGAIN! WTF? It's not that cold, even in the basement apartment. And if you are cold, put on a sweater or something, but for the love of Pete, don't turn on the fucking heat until October.

With the last of the money from [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych's grandmother, I went to Zellers and bought a Jolly Jumper. Shannon's not quite sure what to make of it, but she doesn't scream when she's put into it, so I'm going to take that as a positive sign. She should figure it out soon enough, and then she will scream, but only when we're taking her out! :)

The surgery date is looming ahead. We're both under constant stress and unease. The next two weeks are going to be maddening...not all anticipation is good. Adding to this is another layer of stress coming from my mom. When we told both sets of parental units about the surgery and about our wish to not have them come down to the hospital and wait with us, my in-laws agreed to that without argument and will only come down when it's a good time for Shannon to have visitors, but my mom is being argumentative.

Let me set the stage for Shannon's first heart surgery (PDA Stent and Bilateral Pulmonary Banding...also called the Hybrid Procedure) on 2004 Dec 07: the grandparents (my in-laws and mom) want to be there. I would rather that they didn't, but [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych wanted them to be there for support, so I relented. I don't play well with others at the best of times, and being under so much stress, I couldn't handle anyone, so I went into the CCU waiting lounge across the hall alone. [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych felt like he was being pulled in two directions and he also felt that he had to entertain the grandparents while at the hospital. I felt pressured and high strung for most of the day until my sister stopped by in the late afternoon. I started to calm down. While my sister was there, the grandparents left to go home (thank the gods) and after seeing Shannon one more time, we went back to my sister's place with her on the subway, had a bite to eat, then met up with [livejournal.com profile] clawfoot and [livejournal.com profile] epi_lj for the Spongebob Squarepants Movie.

All in all, not a very pleasant experience. We both had enough on our plates with the Hybrid procedure without [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych having to deal with family and me trying to avoid them. It clearly didn't work very well. This time, we decided to do this one alone, calling with the result as soon as we knew what was going on.

But that's not good enough for my mom.

When we told her the surgery date, she argued against our explicit wish to not come to Sick Kids. She's even using strong arm tactics to guilt/pressure my in-laws (who are being incredibly supportive about this) into changing their minds so that she can be there. I understand that she's terrified. But she has no right to make this all about her. She made the case that if something happens, she wants to be there to say goodbye. But this is open heart surgery with a heart-lung machine and the whole works. If something happens (touch wood that it doesn't), it will happen fast. There won't be time for the kind of goodbyes where Shannon can hear them. It will be too late for that.

I know it's morbid and negative to think like this, but this is why they have survival rates for surgeries.

I want her to understand that we're not doing this as a punishment or to marginalize her importance in Shannon's life, but that as her parents we have to be as focused as possible and we can only do that without distraction from the parental units. [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych is going to talk to my mom about this sometime this week. If I went with him, it would become a heated argument and it wouldn't get anyone anywhere.

I'm just don't want this to turn into a grudge. My mom and her brother no longer speak to each other because when he needed her to be there for him, she was too busy with something else (this was 7 years ago!). It's stupid, but that's all it takes, and I'm worried that this whole surgery thing is going to cut me off from my mom and poison the it's-now-finally-a-good relationship I have with my sister (which is very bad, since we'll be staying with my sister and her boyfriend while in Toronto).

Now my tummy is urpy. :P That's enough or I will get an ulcer.

(no subject)

Apr. 27th, 2005 05:17 pm
valkryor: (Default)
Today was...

Well, it just was. First was the follow up visit at GRH with the pediactrician. Then it was bloodwork...20 minutes for supposedly trained people to figure out that a toe poke is the most effective way to get that blood. Twenty minutes of Shannon screaming until she's retching, because she doesn't like it at all, especially when she's already had a needle in her arm and then in her foot without a good venal draw. Yes, folks. That's incompetence at it's finest.

After that, it was off to Guelph to fix the inlaws computer. Last weekend, we were there on Saturday, getting them off dial up and set up with a DSL Basic Lite connection. Monday, a call comes from my father-in-law that the system's buggered already! Turns out he was looking for a game that he used to play and ended up clicking on a popup on a site that he shouldn't have been on.

Stupid spyware.

It took AdAware and SpySweeper to get rid of the malware and set things back to right. I found the proper site with that game for him in less than a minute and bookmarked it so he wouldn't have to look for it again. I also made sure that all of the game sites bookmarked worked and were clean sites. I don't want to have to do that again.

And I really really love the rootbeer flavoured Bottle Caps. They made today a little better.

(no subject)

Jan. 8th, 2005 07:36 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I haven't updated for a few days because I've had nothing to say.

Although seeing [livejournal.com profile] joncanuck and [livejournal.com profile] the_daily_rant was very good and very calming after a my in-laws stopped by in the afternoon. To be honest, the in-laws were fine, but my mother-in-law was wearing a gag-worthy amount of perfume. [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych didn't notice it, even though he's more sensitive to perfume than I am, which is strange considering how everytime she got near me I did my best to hide my discomfort.

Tomorrow more friends come over for a paperwork roleplaying session. After 7.5 years in one campaign with Taellin and Dulthgaeia, I'm no stranger to stupid amounts of paperwork. I have a feeling, though, this will be much more interactive and more relaxing despite any demands Tabula might make on me.
It's quiet right now. I'm currently waiting for the baby to start her usual "feed me" fuss...there's been a few squawks, but nothing more sustained. She's still sleeping! It will be soon, though.

Today is the big family Christmas bruhaha where my in-laws (and very extended family) get to poke and prod the baby. Shannon should be okay with it (hospitals are noisy people filled places and she's used to them, sadly), since it's a "hand's off" policy...they can touch but not pick her up, which is fine by me. I, on the other hand, am going to be a little stress monkey, something I'm not looking forward to.

I'm finding it hard to find a balance to being myself and being a mom. This is part of the problem...everyone, it seems, acknowledges the mom and ignores the rest, as if I'm just a mom now with no trace of my former self. It's frustrating and pisses me off and I'm afraid that I'm going to be in for a long day of it. :P



(On a side note, my friends are really good as interacting with me as a whole person. The 'everyone' mentioned above refers to family and strangers.)
I hate pumping.

It's the biggest pain in the ass imaginable. Okay, breast milk is best for baby, and expressed breast milk (also called EBM) that is bottle fed is the next best thing to getting it from the source. I would love nothing more than to stop pumping and start breastfeeding Shannon. The only problem with this is I haven't been attempting to breastfeed Shannon all this time. Hospitals are fucked up places and they stress me out. They also stress out my daughter, so, in beginning (and after a few frustrating and devastating attempts), it was easier to pump and bottle. I found out today from a lactation consultant that breastfeeding should be established by the fourth week at the latest. And, according to my math, it's "too late". Pumping, though, is a total disconnect. I go into a different room with a machine, and do a damn good imitation of a cow. It's depressing and stressful and it's started to affect the amount of milk I get. I've completely gone off any schedule that I had paritally because of how it makes me feel (which, when you get down to it, is awful).

Did I mention how much I hate pumping?

The major problem with stopping is the cost of formula. It's cheaper to rent a pump per month than to pay for formula. So I'm in a bit of a bind if Shannon doesn't take to the breast. I can either do something I can't stand and find demoralizing or I can pay through the nose to feed my baby. It's a lose-lose situation and I don't really know what to do. I will try to breastfeed her, but if it doesn't work, I have to figure something out quickly or she'll go hungry and I'll go mad.

I'm not too sure how I feel about Christmas anymore.

On the only real positive note, we've been excused from Christmas, in that no one's expecting any gifts from us. And as we have less than no funds, it's perfect. I am, though, getting my sister something...she wants a cutting of my spider plant (hers had scale that was aggressively treated a few times and kept coming back)...it's a free gift (I have soil and pots and the aforementioned spider plant at home), so that I can manage. The only other thing I could do is Christmas baking. Not free, I know, but relatively inexpensive.

So enter Boxing Day. [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych's extended family every year used to get together on Dec 26, but they haven't done so in years. So now we have a baby that turns out to be tremendously sick and all of a sudden the gathering is happening again this year. I don't want to go. I hate big gatherings of any type (family, though, is the worst for me, unless it's my mom's side, but that's a different story) and this is something that [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych wants us to go to so that they can all see the baby, get it out of their system, and go back to ignoring us. They wanted to hand Shannon from person to person to person, but with her recent heart surgery, it's hands off. I wish I could make it hands off for everyone except parents, but my mother in law will explode when she holds Shannon and the sooner I get it over with the better.

Now the only thing I have to do is email my in laws and make it clear that everyone has to wash their hands before touching her and anyone with a cold/flu/unexplained cold-like symptoms should not come on account of Shannon's health.

Even though I like winter, walking back from Sick Kids it decided to rain and snow. Man I hate it when it does that. One or the other, but not both. When it's both, it's like being slushed on. And slush is icky. :P

And, after all that, here's the good news: We should be home by Monday. We were told Friday again by the Nurse Practitioner and they will do every thing they can to make it happen, but if it doesn't, it will be within a few days. Oh god. I can't wait to get my baby home.

(no subject)

Nov. 6th, 2004 03:28 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I've been feeling out of sorts lately. Okay. To be fair, being pregnant has made me not the easiest person to get along with as of late, and I'm more than willing to admit that that has made me out of sorts (and snappish and cranky, etc, etc, etc).

But this is different.

Family is starting to make Christmas plans (it's still seven weeks away), and on account of the baby, they want to get the most bang for their buck. I understand that. I really do. Christmas is a time to fondle the new life for cousins and aunts since I'm vetoing hospital visits (I don't like hospitals and I don't think I'm going to need the *extra* stress of visitations by people I barely know in a place I have no love of).

However, next week is my birthday, and no one at all has asked me what I have planned. Granted, I have no plans, but that's not the point. I'm turning 30. Last I checked, that was considered a significant birthday, but the parasite (along with the Great Consumeristic-Masquerading-As-Fellowship-And-Family Holiday) has eclipsed everything else.

It's like everyone's saying "Who cares about you. What about the baby?" and it's not very nice to feel like nothing more than an uncaring, unfeeling automaton; a vessel for life to be discarded once that life finally emerges.

I'm probably blowing this entirely out of proportion, but there it is.

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