(no subject)

Jul. 28th, 2017 12:15 pm
valkryor: (Tail Eater)
I am no longer a fan of the end of July. Last night, I got hit by the doldrums something fierce. I don't like the doldrums; it's a combination of feeling adrift and restless, topped with a pinch of apathy.

But missing people fiercely, especially when it's one day after another, makes it hard to escape. It is, apparently, how I grieve, or at least a small part of how I grieve.

So, to Gus the Big Mean Bunny and to Shannon, I miss you and think about you often. I cannot believe how much time has passed by and how much this still hurts. My life was richer for having you in it, but I wanted more time, more growing old and growing up, more bad puns and more being your mom.

And more birthdays. So many more birthdays.
The Hallowe'en party was a success last night. It was a good mix of people and some of the costumes were great. We MST3K'd "Devil Bat" starring Bela Lugosi (who is, indeed, still dead), then had a brief intermission and then watched "Rocky Horror Picture Show" sans props, but not verbal cues.

[livejournal.com profile] boozymatic and [livejournal.com profile] eniastoa brought along [livejournal.com profile] robertom. Well, it wasn't really [livejournal.com profile] robertom, but a picture of Bob Dole, his costume! I pinned it to the roman blind so he could have a good seat and a really good view of the party. It was an amusing gag, but [livejournal.com profile] robertom would have been better.

The Gypsy brought a kitty litter cake. It was nauseating to look at (so much so, that some of us just couldn't eat it). I am assured, though, that it tasted okay.

I went through an entire role of film (yes, I'm still analog...I can't afford to upgrade), and have at least one picture of all the guests. If any on my flist don't want to be pictorally represented in a couple of days (I still have to get the film developed), speak now and I'll respect that.

I did have some odd dreams last night. )

(no subject)

Oct. 12th, 2005 09:25 pm
valkryor: (Wings)
I finally got in touch with Dr Bohn at Sick Kids regarding autopsy results. It seems (from the preliminary report) that cause of death was a blood clot in the arterial shunt which effectively cut off blood flow (kinda like turning off a tap) to the rest of the body. The shunt (the surgery that she was downgraded to, as it were) is fraught with problems (to quote Dr Bohn), which is why they're switching over to the hybrid (a stent between the aorta and the pulmonary artery). One of the major problems is blood clots. It's a known issue, and even with the amount of bloodthinners (first heparin by IV then enoxyparin by injection) Shannon was on, it still happened with devastating results.

To be honest, I don't feel better knowing this. I didn't care what the cause of death was. Knowing what it was doesn't change anything. My little girl is still a pile of ashes at the funeral home and there's no way that that knowledge alone could bring her back.

(no subject)

Oct. 1st, 2005 12:16 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I feel better today. That "going to hurl" feeling has been replaced by the "head stuffed with cotton wool" feeling. It's not much, but if I was still nauseous, I'd have to stay home and not go tonight.

I'm a little trepidatious about going to Toronto, but it's been two months, so hopefully that's enough time. When one person feels melancholy, the rest of the group becomes gloomy. I don't want anyone else to feel out of sorts because I do.

I should go and shower and eat something. Watching cartoons all morning has been fun, but my head hurts from sitting in front of the television for so long.

(no subject)

Sep. 2nd, 2005 12:59 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I'm still not very motivated to look for work. Meh. Maybe I should just call this week a write off and leave it at that. Still no call from the Evil Cable Company, either. But, for some reason, this doesn't bother me as much as it should. I know I'm still unemployed with absolutely nothing coming in, but I'm healthy and I know that [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych loves me.

Am I happy, though?

No. Although there are glimmers of happiness, the wound is still too fresh and I spent a lot of yesterday weeping. I'm more emotionally stable, but it's tenuous, like ice on a pond in March...you just never know how thick it is until you try to stand on it. It's only been five weeks and the sting of the experience can be very strong sometimes.

We had an offer last night to go to [livejournal.com profile] meowster's cottage for the weekend. It would be nice to get away, and yet, after six weeks in Toronto on an emotional rollercoaster only to be suddenly thrown off, I'd rather stay home and coccoon. [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych wants to go and that's fine. He can. But I just don't feel up to it at the moment.

I've also been adding some new people to my flist. One ([livejournal.com profile] athena_51, a fellow graduate of the UW Classics Programme) added me and is a "friend of a friend" and two others ([livejournal.com profile] snowy_kathryn and [livejournal.com profile] zero_design), I had the pleasure of meeting at the last two goth nights at Ren and who just happen to be new to the area. So welcome to you all.

(no subject)

Aug. 22nd, 2005 11:57 am
valkryor: (Wings)
The hand cast came today. It was packaged in a lovely box and well padded so it wouldn't get damaged by Canada Post. The size of the hand is very very small.

It seems like such a cheap and tawdry consolation prize in comparison.

You can't have your daughter, but you can have this lovely imprint made of her hand (2-4 weeks for delivery).

I'd rather have my daughter, if it's all the same to you.

(no subject)

Aug. 19th, 2005 11:47 am
valkryor: (Default)
I was too apathetic to even post yesterday. My day consisted of going to a job interview that I didn't want to go to, having a bit of breakdown on the short walk back to the bus stop, considering posting the entire experience to LJ but just didn't care enough to do so (didn't look for work for the same reason), changing my clothes before crawling back into bed for a while, made dinner, finally had the dam burst on my sadness, then stayed up way past my bedtime chatting with a friend state-side.

I needed the chat more than I would have thought. As much as I love you all, it was nice having someone who knew what had happened but could keep objective about it (probably because we've never met in real life and probably never will).

I'm still feeling melancholy, but not as apathetic, which, as strange as this sounds, is a good trade. The only real worry now is not letting this turn into a crippling bout of self-loathing because of my shape/size. It's started to creep in yesterday, but I have to do my best to boot it out the door today.

(no subject)

Aug. 13th, 2005 10:15 pm
valkryor: (Wings)
Well, it's done. All of Shannon's things are packed up and/or disassembled and ready to be shipped to Guelph tomorrow morning where they will stay in my in-laws' crawl space until we decide if we're going to have another child or not.

In some ways, it's good to get the space back so we can figure out how we're going to make use of it. In other ways, it drives home the point that Shannon really is gone.


(no subject)

Aug. 5th, 2005 11:08 am
valkryor: (Default)
I'm not sure what to feel anymore. I'm anxious to get back to doing something besides hanging around the house. I guess all that time in Toronto hanging around Sick Kids/my sister's really killed the vacation-like or unemployed feel of having no where to go and nothing to do. So, it's time to find work again. Not necessarily a bad thing...since it does mean that I'm focused on something else and not staring at the curtained area where the crib is and moping all day.

It's strange. Both [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych and I feel a little bit guilty that we're not crying/mourning enough. But after six weeks of watching Shannon lay there like a warm meat-sack and being told numerous times that she wasn't going to make it, grieving (for me, at least) is old news. I cried so often by her bed crushed by the mere thought of losing her, afraid that it would end in Toronto. And it did. Now I have to move on.

It's not very eloquent or even very nice, but it's accurate. We have to move as soon as we can and both of us have to go back to some form of employment. And for me (at this moment, anyway), the sooner, the better.

(no subject)

Aug. 3rd, 2005 10:18 am
valkryor: (March Hare)
Okay...so now what?

(no subject)

Aug. 1st, 2005 08:32 pm
valkryor: (Wings)
Part of me wants to cry, but I have nothing. My heart hurts, though. An incredible loss like a black hole that sucks everything else in as it grows and threatens to consume all of me. Fuck.

(no subject)

Aug. 1st, 2005 06:36 pm
valkryor: (Default)
Funerals are just...weird. It's not only a sombre occasion but also a social event. And it feels like I'm trapped in a Dali painting (or Jackson Pollock...can't tell which just yet), all sharp edges and strange blurs. [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych went to his parents' trailer outside of New Dundee, but right now I'm all socialed out. I need some time to myself to sit and ooze while I decompress. So I think I'll give the Kaiser Chiefs another spin and maybe give the bathroom a scrub. At least the process of making a dirty thing clean still makes sense.

(no subject)

Jul. 31st, 2005 08:16 am
valkryor: (Default)
I slept really poorly last night. One of the cats (probably Franklin) was sick last night and after that woke me up, it took me an hour to get back to sleep. I wasn't even thinking of anything at all. My mind these days is pretty scattered. Some might even mistake it for flakiness. I guess I just have way too much going on right now.

We still have to call EI and tell them what happened. Which means that we're both cut off. I was mistaken when I thought that I had a few weeks before having to go back to work. Turns out, I was dead wrong...that was a pretty nasty shock.

After the funeral stuff is done, we have to find new jobs and do some serious looking for a new place. Any one of these things would be plenty on either of our plates, but all three right on top of each other for both of us is a bit much.

I don't even know if I'll be able to face the working world again. I dunno. Maybe I should. But I know that I don't want to work in anything remotely resembling the service industry. Customer Service is no longer part of my job hunting vocabulary.

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