(no subject)

Oct. 18th, 2005 06:35 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I'm having a hard time getting anything started lately. It seems my ambition to get things done is losing out to apathy. I have some cleaning that needs doing and plants that are going to start dying of thirst, but I can't be bothered, even though it will only take about 2 hours to do it.

This is part of the struggle to get my life back. I know those on my flist are incredibly supportive, but, for the most part, I have to want to do this for myself and my husband. Apathy is hard to deal with. You know what you want to do, but you just don't care.

It's a little like the voting public in this country, in some ways: you already know that the Liberals are going to win, so why bother going to the polls to try to change it. But it's self-defeatist. The Liberals only win because so little of the voting public does go out to cast their ballot.

Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm letting myself get defeated before I've tried to do anything. Maybe, instead of saying, "but a thousand steps is too much", I should say, "it's only one step. I can do that."

(no subject)

Sep. 22nd, 2005 09:24 am
valkryor: (Default)
Happy Autumnal Equinox!

Summer's over (ostensibly) and now it's Fall. My favourite season. One of change. Maybe, just maybe, I should do something about how I feel (bitter, a disappointment, worthless) and change it. For me and no one else.
Well, I was going to do yoga tonight, to make up for the fact that last night I was too hungry and opted to eat something instead. But I don't want to. Not after dancing around the livingroom for 35 or so minutes.

Dance?!? Me?

Yes. Me. Only when I'm alone and no one can see me (Shannon doesn't count), then I feel comfortable enough to dance.

And I bet you're all dying to know the reason.

"The Hand that Feeds" by Nine Inch Nails.


It's simple, really. I was flipping channels and caught the last half of the video on MuchLoud. It inspired me to get up and get moving to the Faint. Why the Faint? They are completely different entities, but for some reason, the new NiN single reminds of the essence of "Wet From Birth", and no, I can't explain it better than that.

So I put on the Faint at a very reasonable volume (I didn't want to be drowned out by the Counting Crows or John Denver coming up through the floor) and danced.

I feel pretty good right now. But I'm also trying to not focus on the icky feeling that came from how much of me was jiggling. I just have to keep reminding myself that the more I dance, the less jiggle, until, eventually, it's all gone.

Okay. So I'm going to need all of your support and encouragement on this. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays are yoga. Tuesdays and Thursdays are goofy looking dancing in my livingroom (by myself, thank you very much. I'm not throwing parties twice a week). With as much walking as I can get in.

Now, do any of you want to work with me as part of a support network to reduce the jiggle in my step?

(no subject)

Feb. 27th, 2005 03:52 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I'm losing a battle I didn't even know I was fighting.

My sense of self is being absorbed slowly by "mother" and "housewife". For reasons that I couldn't explain if I tried, the German word "hausfrau" seems to combine the two ideas in my head. I look surprisingly like a hausfrau these days (minus the badly fitting print dress, although I'm sure I could find one or two if I tried) and I'm starting to feel that that's my only role in life.

I don't know how to save myself. I don't even know if it's worth the effort to even try.

Gah. I hate self-pity, but I really don't know what to do.
After inquiring about the importance of breast milk to Shannon's health at this moment in time, the immunologist at Sick Kid's basically said that it would make as much difference to her as it would to a normally healthy child. In other words, he wasn't concerned about the impact to her well-being. Shannon has t-cell impairment, but all that means is that her t-cells aren't matured enough before being sent off into her bloodstream to fight infections. It's a condition that she will grow out of eventually (it could take up to a decade!), but it's not like her entire immune system is compromised until that time. According to this immunologist, she has plenty of t-cells in her blood, but they're not sure how they work, which is why we had the appointment in Toronto today.

Now all I have to figure out is if I want to keep pumping (something I find to be a tremendous pain in the ass) or not (which would be a hell of a lot easier with the number of appointments she has). It's a decision that only I can make...convenience versus antibodies. But it does help to know that it would affect her the same as it would a healthy baby who was being switched to formula for whatever reason.

It still doesn't make the decision any easier...

UPDATE: I've decided to stop pumping. It seems shallow to take convenience over what's best for Shannon, but pumping and the amount of breast milk I do get is something I agonize over. And quite frankly, if I can eliminate at least one of the variables that depresses me, it will be better for me in the long run and I can be a better mother to my little girl.

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