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Apr. 9th, 2005 12:52 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I love spring...the sun, the warmth, the hormones...
Thank you to all of those who had said that they would miss my posts and that I actually had something worth reading.

I wasn't boring, but just fucking bored. I felt uninteresting because I have spent the last little while living from tending to the baby to tending to the baby (feeding, diaper changes, cuddles, etc etc etc), going nowhere in particular (running out and picking up milk doesn't count as going somewhere) and doing nothing special. It was really starting to wear me down and I managed to convince myself that I was really a boring person with nothing of importance to say.

But the difference between boring and bored is something can be done about the bored, but the boring is ingrained and only really curable with shock treatment. Lots and lots of shock treatment...

So, I've been trying to find ways to be less bored, mostly so I don't go completely mad and convince myself that I really belong in Botswana living in a hut somewhere.

[livejournal.com profile] joncanuck and the ever-lovely [livejournal.com profile] the_daily_rant stopped by a couple of nights ago and hung out. It was truly what I needed. So thank you. :)

And the night before that, shock and amazement, Molly stopped by on her way home from school completely out of the blue! So now I'm playing an online Scrabble game against her and losing horribly. But that's what I figured would happen, so I'm just enjoying playing, because there's no point in getting upset. Soon, though, we should have her over for a game of Super Scrabble (twice the tiles, twice the board and quadruple scores!), just to reconnect.

I finally got around to doing some writing again last night. I hadn't looked at my latest novel since February! and it was time to pick up the thread again. I'm writing the end of it now, mostly because that's what I've been thinking about and if things are explained to the reader (and also to the writer..:P), then hopefully the other segments will come together a lot easier.

I found a house that was feasible for us to acquire. It's on Strange St, right at Park. It's small, and cute in a butt-ugly way, but financially within reach. You can look for yourselves here or here. I'm probably setting myself up to be crushed, but we really really have to move. And soon.

And I don't have to go back to therapy! Yay! I was finding that it really wasn't doing anything and since my life has gone back to a mostly even-keeled status, we're just wasting each other's time. I can call her, though, if I need to in future. So, I still have that as an option should I need it.

(EDIT: As an aside, for some reason, I prefer sex in the morning. Maybe because it's such an incredible way to kick start the day. But if I can get it in the afternoon, boy howdy! you'd better believe that I'll take it. And when it was offered earlier, how could I say no?)

So that is what you've been missing. It's still not terribly interesting, but since you want to read it, there it is...

who cares

Apr. 5th, 2005 09:17 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I have this pattern where I get really upset about how I look, about my size and that I'm completely unappealing (it leans towards the "too hideous to look at" category, which is lightyears beyond being sexually appealing). Then [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych will tell me that he loves me and still finds me attractive, which can be one of a few ego boosts depending on how low I feel. Eventually my self-esteem gets enough reassurance for me to get on with things until the next low point.

I'd rather do nothing about it and know the results than do something and get no results at all. Sounds really stupid, I know, but I like the safe and predictable, which also makes me a very boring person in all aspects.

I don't bother because nothing will change. Not really. I'll still go through this cycle and in the end, the low self-image and the non-existant self-worth along with the trying-to-be-interesting-and-failing-miserably me will still be there, regardless of my physical size.

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