(no subject)

Jan. 3rd, 2017 10:05 am
valkryor: (Default)
The worst part, I think, of being in a terrible headspace is the weirdly detached feeling of KNOWING that I am in a terrible headspace and why. It's like I am a puppet or written character or watching television; I have total control and yet none.

(So yes, I AM in a terrible headspace, why do you ask?)

The detachment is my logical brain, my medicated brain, keeping an eye on things. When I am feeling positive about whatever it is I'm feeling positive about, that part of my mind is quiet, or at least unobtrusive. When I am deeply unhappy? I notice it a lot more, and not in a corner-of-the-eye-blink-and-you'll-miss-it kind of way.

It doesn't make the mood worse, at least. Nor does it make it better. It's just there.

I don't even know if it's comforting or annoying, good or bad. Maybe it's the rope I need to haul myself out of the dark places my brain goes to because depression is awful, yo. Maybe it's a way for the knowing part of me (so often over-ridden by emotion when I slide down the spiral) to remind the believing part that the way out is through, thanks to better living through chemistry.

Or maybe, despite the mental illness, I have never been NORMAL. *snerk* Now that's something I could believe.

(no subject)

Aug. 19th, 2005 11:47 am
valkryor: (Default)
I was too apathetic to even post yesterday. My day consisted of going to a job interview that I didn't want to go to, having a bit of breakdown on the short walk back to the bus stop, considering posting the entire experience to LJ but just didn't care enough to do so (didn't look for work for the same reason), changing my clothes before crawling back into bed for a while, made dinner, finally had the dam burst on my sadness, then stayed up way past my bedtime chatting with a friend state-side.

I needed the chat more than I would have thought. As much as I love you all, it was nice having someone who knew what had happened but could keep objective about it (probably because we've never met in real life and probably never will).

I'm still feeling melancholy, but not as apathetic, which, as strange as this sounds, is a good trade. The only real worry now is not letting this turn into a crippling bout of self-loathing because of my shape/size. It's started to creep in yesterday, but I have to do my best to boot it out the door today.

(no subject)

Aug. 1st, 2005 08:32 pm
valkryor: (Wings)
Part of me wants to cry, but I have nothing. My heart hurts, though. An incredible loss like a black hole that sucks everything else in as it grows and threatens to consume all of me. Fuck.

(no subject)

Jul. 7th, 2005 08:04 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I have this powerful urge to chuck my parent badge into the nearest bin, go home and turn off the phone and pretend that none of this is happening, so I can go back to living a semblance of a life. Nothing makes any sense and this is the only way that I can think of to impose some sort of order on chaos.

I bring Miss Kitty (Shannon's favourite toy) with me to the hospital everyday to remind her (remind me) that she (that I) had a life outside of Sick Kids and that all of this is a bad dream. But it's not just a dream and it gets harder and harder to convince myself that she'll ever wake up again. I fear that she has (I have) given up the fight.

When you have kids, you don't intend to pin hopes/dreams on them, but seconds after that first cry, you do it without even realizing that it's happened. And now I have the (mis)fortune to watch them ebb away into nothingness.

I feel so empty inside, hollow. I'm kind of hungry, but I don't want to eat. I had moments like this after Gus died, but it wasn't this complete. Now if it's all the same to you, I think I'm going to crawl off under a rock somewhere and cry myself to oblivion.

(no subject)

Jul. 3rd, 2005 06:33 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I feel so empty. And I'm finding it harder and harder to go to the hospital, but everytime I leave I'm afraid something else is going to go wrong. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. But it just never fucking ends.

I don't want to lose my baby.

Post-Op

Jun. 23rd, 2005 01:57 am
valkryor: (Default)
We just got back from Sick Kids. Even though Shannon was first case and went into the OR at 815, it didn't go well. Technically, the operation went fine. But the pressure in her lungs was too high and it took a long long time to get it where the surgical team wanted it. Since there was nothing we could do, we came back to where we were staying because sleeping on the hospital couches isn't what we needed right now.

I almost lost my baby today.

The same quote played over and over in my head and it made me angry because they felt hollow and cheap, even though they comforted me once upon a time.

"You get what everyone gets. You get a lifetime."

Dread

Jun. 21st, 2005 01:16 pm
valkryor: (Wings)
The lump of dread is sitting in my throat now. Hopefully by this time tomorrow, it will be done and over with only the wait for recovery.

(If there's one more set back I will fucking scream. I can't do this waiting thing anymore. My sister and her boy have been great, but it would be just too fucking much.)

(no subject)

May. 17th, 2005 01:22 pm
valkryor: (Default)
It feels like I get no relief.

I take care of the baby, my husband and the cats.

When is someone going to take care of me?

(Or did I waive that priviledge when my daughter made her first raspy cries?)

(no subject)

May. 11th, 2005 10:37 pm
valkryor: (Default)
For some reason I wasn't able to update last night...everytime I did a mouse-over on the dark blue bar just under the LJ logo, I got nada and I wasn't going to download a client just for the priviledge, so I didn't bother.

Completely Random Neat Thing but Unrelated to the Rest of the Post Update: My hoya is in bloom. I bought it at the symphony sale last year and I wasn't expecting flowers so soon. It's very fragrant and reminds me a little of home, since my mom had a ginormous one growing in the kitchen that would bloom on occasion.

Actual Update: The power was out for five hours today. Apparently, a transfer line at King and Northfield got taken out, leaving what was supposed to be only a few blocks on either side without power. Well, it was those few blocks and some pretty freaking big pockets (like all the way back to Weber and Erb). [livejournal.com profile] joncanuck popped by so I wouldn't die of boredom because I literally had nothing else to do.

The power's back (obviously), so now I can do computer stuff or read or watch television. Damn I miss electricity when it's not available to me.

I'm also trying to figure out why the only emotion I feel in its full spectrum is anger. It seems that everything I do turns to shit, that I can do nothing right and even small victories (like, for example, I read an entire novel yesterday. Okay, it was Terry Pratchett and not that difficult a read, but reading isn't something I do a lot of anymore) feel empty and hollow. So I feel like a disappointment (not on the public humiliation level that eventually gets laughed off and forgotten, but at the intimate level, where it sits like a scab to be picked at) to my nearest and dearest, and it gets translated into anger. Anger that I direct at the baby, my husband and the cats.

Nothing changes. I'm still in the same position treading water while everyone around me is getting on with their lives. And I'm stuck.

I had quite a large inheritance when my father died and I know I squandered a lot more of it than I should have, but I'm so tired of apologizing for to the universe for it. I'm sorry, okay? Just leave me alone.
As predicted, yesterday was truly craptastic.
Read more... )

(no subject)

Apr. 5th, 2005 09:41 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I think I'm going to stop posting for a while. It's not like I ever have anything interesting worth reading. Come on, how much inane babble about the baby can you really tolerate?

who cares

Apr. 5th, 2005 09:17 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I have this pattern where I get really upset about how I look, about my size and that I'm completely unappealing (it leans towards the "too hideous to look at" category, which is lightyears beyond being sexually appealing). Then [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych will tell me that he loves me and still finds me attractive, which can be one of a few ego boosts depending on how low I feel. Eventually my self-esteem gets enough reassurance for me to get on with things until the next low point.

I'd rather do nothing about it and know the results than do something and get no results at all. Sounds really stupid, I know, but I like the safe and predictable, which also makes me a very boring person in all aspects.

I don't bother because nothing will change. Not really. I'll still go through this cycle and in the end, the low self-image and the non-existant self-worth along with the trying-to-be-interesting-and-failing-miserably me will still be there, regardless of my physical size.

(no subject)

Jan. 28th, 2005 08:02 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I had my first session with a social/mental health worker who deals with post partum depressed mothers. It was mostly answering a whole bunch of questions on a the main emotions, medical history and main concerns.

For the first time, I admitted to someone besides myself that I sometimes have suicidal thoughts.

I know that's not a good thing. I also know what it's like to live through when you're close to the person who has just killed themselves. Which is why, when I start having serious considerations about leaving permanently, I think about Gus the Big Mean Bunny and what it felt like to lose him like that.

I couldn't do that to any of you.

I came home from the hospital and almost immediately had a breakdown. I was told it might happen, but I hadn't really been paying attention (isn't that awful?) at the time. I'm worried that all my hard work will be for naught, that nothing will change. I will still feel guitly and worthless and a wee bit suicidal while [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych becomes more and more despondent because I can't get my shit together. For those of you paying any attention to these ramblings, MatLeave isn't all it's cracked up to be. I get very lonely being at home with the baby. And even though I need it, I also feel guilty taking time for myself, alone without the podling or husband, like I don't deserve it somehow.

< sigh > So much crap to work through. I just hope I can get somewhere with it.

(no subject)

Jan. 16th, 2005 07:04 pm
valkryor: (Default)
When I commented on a friend’s LJ post that he was off-centred and off-balance, I didn’t realize that I was reflecting my own life, that I, too, mirrored being out of synch and need to find my centre.

In essence, the pot calling the kettle black, without the nastiness.

For the last little while I have been seriously depressed, with no rhyme or reason to when it strikes. Since high school, I’ve had body issues and bouts of self-pity, but the bouts never lasted more than a day, although the body issues have been a constant.

Right now, though, I can’t snap myself out of it. And nor can anyone else, despite their best efforts.

I feel so worthless, second rate, fat, ugly and completely unappealing.

I also feel like I’m to blame for having such a beautiful baby girl who’s so badly broken.

I know that it’s not my fault that Shannon has 22q11 microdeletion and everything that’s come with it. I know that it’s random chance or even ignorance if it turns out that either [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych or I have the syndrome, but knowledge is one thing and feelings something else. And right now, the feelings are the issue.

The guilt is slowly diminishing, quietly being replaced by worthlessness. I feel like I’m not worthy of so much: a perfectly healthy baby girl, friends and family, the love and affection of my husband.

I feel so low. So small. So beneath everyone’s notice that I have no idea why anyone would notice me at all.

I’m apathetic and lethargic. I know what needs to be done, but I have no energy or desire to do it and I just don’t care enough to make the effort.

I need help. I know that. But I shy away from asking, not wanting to be a burden on anyone, not wanting anyone else to know how sad I am.

Stuff

Dec. 5th, 2004 11:25 am
valkryor: (Default)
I just had a look at my user info page and I really should get around to changing my bio thingy. It's a little outdated. Meh. That's a project for when I actually have the time and more than just the thought that I should rewrite it.

Being here in Toronto is really strange. We rush to the hospital to spend time with Shannon, but since she's hooked up to 9 IV's at last count (one of them is a morphine drip so she won't pull out the ventilator), she just lays there and we feel useless. At least in Hamilton, we could change her bum, feed her and hold her. The only thing we can do here, really, is touch her head and legs (the nurses let me bring in booties for her feet which were a bit on the chilly side). I miss my baby.

One a plus side to this fucking awful mess, staying with my sister is a hell of a lot less stressful than I was anticipating. We're actually getting along more as friends and less as siblings (which for us is an improvement...we fought a lot growing up) and the plus side is when [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych and I get back from Sick Kids, we can hang out with her and her boyfriend and not talk about the hospital! It doesn't seem like a big deal, but it's nice to have some non-crisis conversation and actually laugh at stupid shit. It's also keeping me relatively sane.

Speaking of sanity, yesterday after leaving Shannon, I was so angry. And it was stupid and baseless. I was angry (along with bitter and frustrated, but those are two emotions that are always with me these days) at, are you ready for this? Women who had had healthy babies. What gave them the right to only have to worry about 2 am feedings when I'm constantly scared that mine isn't going to make it until tomorrow?

The feeling's gone now, but the fear behind it is not. Tomorrow, when we finally hear from the doctors what the best course of action will be, is going to be a hard day.

(no subject)

Nov. 29th, 2004 06:57 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I'm so tired.

I'm tired of having to be strong.

And I'm tired of being kicked (repeatedly) by the universe.

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