(no subject)

Jan. 3rd, 2017 10:05 am
valkryor: (Default)
The worst part, I think, of being in a terrible headspace is the weirdly detached feeling of KNOWING that I am in a terrible headspace and why. It's like I am a puppet or written character or watching television; I have total control and yet none.

(So yes, I AM in a terrible headspace, why do you ask?)

The detachment is my logical brain, my medicated brain, keeping an eye on things. When I am feeling positive about whatever it is I'm feeling positive about, that part of my mind is quiet, or at least unobtrusive. When I am deeply unhappy? I notice it a lot more, and not in a corner-of-the-eye-blink-and-you'll-miss-it kind of way.

It doesn't make the mood worse, at least. Nor does it make it better. It's just there.

I don't even know if it's comforting or annoying, good or bad. Maybe it's the rope I need to haul myself out of the dark places my brain goes to because depression is awful, yo. Maybe it's a way for the knowing part of me (so often over-ridden by emotion when I slide down the spiral) to remind the believing part that the way out is through, thanks to better living through chemistry.

Or maybe, despite the mental illness, I have never been NORMAL. *snerk* Now that's something I could believe.

(no subject)

Sep. 29th, 2005 12:27 am
valkryor: (Default)
The Time Warp is the Goth Macarena. Discuss.

(no subject)

Jul. 10th, 2005 09:19 pm
valkryor: (Default)
One of the other kids in the room with Shannon died last night. He was very very wee (maybe even premature) and on an ECMO. I figured something was up when they let his mother hold him yesterday (probably for the first time) and there were pictures taken. Just moving Shannon to change her bedding is an ordeal that requires at least three people, so you can imagine what was needed to achieve this.

Even though he wasn't mine, I'm still saddened by the loss. When you have a child in the Critical Care Unit at Sick Kids, you secretly (or openly) cheer when the other kids go upstairs to a different ward to recover before being sent home and you are hit when one of them, for whatever reason, doesn't make it.

So, to the parents of the babe who passed (but who will never read this): my condolences. It's not much, I know, but it's all that I have.

(no subject)

Jun. 11th, 2005 10:22 pm
valkryor: (Default)
What is it about a shower in the evening (if you've already had one in the morning but really really need one now) that's just feels so decadent?

(no subject)

May. 9th, 2005 10:26 pm
valkryor: (Default)
When you first get married (or handfasted or shack up or whatever), your partner is your life and life without them is inconceivable.

When you have children, everything changes. Losing your partner now becomes conceivable (not that anyone of us wants to lose our lifemates), but losing your child does not.

It's a funny thing, really. We think we're so evolved, but we only live to bring the next generation into this world, just like salmon and marmosets and toads.
Thank you to all of those who had said that they would miss my posts and that I actually had something worth reading.

I wasn't boring, but just fucking bored. I felt uninteresting because I have spent the last little while living from tending to the baby to tending to the baby (feeding, diaper changes, cuddles, etc etc etc), going nowhere in particular (running out and picking up milk doesn't count as going somewhere) and doing nothing special. It was really starting to wear me down and I managed to convince myself that I was really a boring person with nothing of importance to say.

But the difference between boring and bored is something can be done about the bored, but the boring is ingrained and only really curable with shock treatment. Lots and lots of shock treatment...

So, I've been trying to find ways to be less bored, mostly so I don't go completely mad and convince myself that I really belong in Botswana living in a hut somewhere.

[livejournal.com profile] joncanuck and the ever-lovely [livejournal.com profile] the_daily_rant stopped by a couple of nights ago and hung out. It was truly what I needed. So thank you. :)

And the night before that, shock and amazement, Molly stopped by on her way home from school completely out of the blue! So now I'm playing an online Scrabble game against her and losing horribly. But that's what I figured would happen, so I'm just enjoying playing, because there's no point in getting upset. Soon, though, we should have her over for a game of Super Scrabble (twice the tiles, twice the board and quadruple scores!), just to reconnect.

I finally got around to doing some writing again last night. I hadn't looked at my latest novel since February! and it was time to pick up the thread again. I'm writing the end of it now, mostly because that's what I've been thinking about and if things are explained to the reader (and also to the writer..:P), then hopefully the other segments will come together a lot easier.

I found a house that was feasible for us to acquire. It's on Strange St, right at Park. It's small, and cute in a butt-ugly way, but financially within reach. You can look for yourselves here or here. I'm probably setting myself up to be crushed, but we really really have to move. And soon.

And I don't have to go back to therapy! Yay! I was finding that it really wasn't doing anything and since my life has gone back to a mostly even-keeled status, we're just wasting each other's time. I can call her, though, if I need to in future. So, I still have that as an option should I need it.

(EDIT: As an aside, for some reason, I prefer sex in the morning. Maybe because it's such an incredible way to kick start the day. But if I can get it in the afternoon, boy howdy! you'd better believe that I'll take it. And when it was offered earlier, how could I say no?)

So that is what you've been missing. It's still not terribly interesting, but since you want to read it, there it is...

who cares

Apr. 5th, 2005 09:17 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I have this pattern where I get really upset about how I look, about my size and that I'm completely unappealing (it leans towards the "too hideous to look at" category, which is lightyears beyond being sexually appealing). Then [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych will tell me that he loves me and still finds me attractive, which can be one of a few ego boosts depending on how low I feel. Eventually my self-esteem gets enough reassurance for me to get on with things until the next low point.

I'd rather do nothing about it and know the results than do something and get no results at all. Sounds really stupid, I know, but I like the safe and predictable, which also makes me a very boring person in all aspects.

I don't bother because nothing will change. Not really. I'll still go through this cycle and in the end, the low self-image and the non-existant self-worth along with the trying-to-be-interesting-and-failing-miserably me will still be there, regardless of my physical size.

(no subject)

Feb. 19th, 2005 10:12 pm
valkryor: (Default)
I have so much to do and I'm so fucking bored. I hate it when it's like this. I want to get stuff done (write, read, whatever), but I don't want to at the same time. So apathy wins. I'm squandering the time off that I do have and when the inevitable comes and I have to go back to work (*shudder*), I'm going to be very disappointed that I did waste what I had.

So where's my ambition? Don't know, really. I think it's somewhere with not being sleep deprived day in and day out.

If I had the time to waste (like having won the lottery or somesuch), then it wouldn't be so bad. But this is finite. It will end. Long before I'm ready.

(no subject)

Feb. 12th, 2005 12:12 pm
valkryor: (Default)
Have you ever done something of your own free will and still ended up in over your head?
Having an epiphany is rare, but being in a pastoral setting on a perfect day and getting bathed in sunlight just as things come together is downright unheard of. So you take what you can get, when you can get it, regardless of where you are.

So on Wednesday night at Club Ren, listening to [livejournal.com profile] wildelf spin, and hanging out with [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych, [livejournal.com profile] robertom and [livejournal.com profile] the_daily_rant, I had an epiphany. Everything came together. As I sat there with my feet up on the rungs of the chair in front of me and my hand on my belly, I actually felt ready for the new life that I carry.

For the first time in months, the overwhelming terror and worry had taken a back seat to anticipation and a little bit of excitement. It was a serene moment, one that's still difficult to explain or quantify even to myself, but it happened, and now all I have to do is wait.

July 2017

S M T W T F S
      1
2 3 45678
910 1112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031     

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 28th, 2017 12:49 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios