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valkryorThe worst part, I think, of being in a terrible headspace is the weirdly detached feeling of KNOWING that I am in a terrible headspace and why. It's like I am a puppet or written character or watching television; I have total control and yet none.
(So yes, I AM in a terrible headspace, why do you ask?)
The detachment is my logical brain, my medicated brain, keeping an eye on things. When I am feeling positive about whatever it is I'm feeling positive about, that part of my mind is quiet, or at least unobtrusive. When I am deeply unhappy? I notice it a lot more, and not in a corner-of-the-eye-blink-and-you'll-miss-it kind of way.
It doesn't make the mood worse, at least. Nor does it make it better. It's just there.
I don't even know if it's comforting or annoying, good or bad. Maybe it's the rope I need to haul myself out of the dark places my brain goes to because depression is awful, yo. Maybe it's a way for the knowing part of me (so often over-ridden by emotion when I slide down the spiral) to remind the believing part that the way out is through, thanks to better living through chemistry.
Or maybe, despite the mental illness, I have never been NORMAL. *snerk* Now that's something I could believe.
(So yes, I AM in a terrible headspace, why do you ask?)
The detachment is my logical brain, my medicated brain, keeping an eye on things. When I am feeling positive about whatever it is I'm feeling positive about, that part of my mind is quiet, or at least unobtrusive. When I am deeply unhappy? I notice it a lot more, and not in a corner-of-the-eye-blink-and-you'll-miss-it kind of way.
It doesn't make the mood worse, at least. Nor does it make it better. It's just there.
I don't even know if it's comforting or annoying, good or bad. Maybe it's the rope I need to haul myself out of the dark places my brain goes to because depression is awful, yo. Maybe it's a way for the knowing part of me (so often over-ridden by emotion when I slide down the spiral) to remind the believing part that the way out is through, thanks to better living through chemistry.
Or maybe, despite the mental illness, I have never been NORMAL. *snerk* Now that's something I could believe.
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Date: 2017-01-05 02:38 pm (UTC)Major Depressive Disorder then, Dysthymia added when I applied for ODSP. (I was also tested for anxiety - apparently it's not enough to register as part of my overall mental health with a professional, but enough for me to notice. Joy.)