Brain currently booting in Safe Mode

The weekend was quiet. After being social every weekend since mid September, it was time to just hang out together and reconnect. We even (a little foolishly) ventured out to KW Surplus and Dollarama for some last minute Hallowe'en props yesterday. I still have to finish (start) sewing my costume, but it's mostly straight lines, so it shouldn't be too bad.

Being out of work, though, is becoming the sticking point. Okay, I left because it was better for my overall well-being and while I'm much happier, conviction alone doesn't pay the bills. If I don't find something soon, I don't know what we're going to do (and this town lacks a decent port so I can't blow sailors for spare change and bubble gum).

Financially, we're beyond up the creek and into "no map and no canoe" territory. I'm running out of time and options. Any suggestions? (No, I'm not kidding.)

Thanksgiving weekend involved way too much food. But at no point did I eat so much that I felt nauseous. See? Even I can learn.

I'm tired this morning. I'm all socialled out and need a few days of not going anywhere or seeing anybody to recentre myself. I am, though, back to looking for work. Holy jumping does it ever suck. I've applied to a few jobs this morning, including a couple that I had applied to previously, but I can't take months to look for something this time. Our finances will not hold (and for some reason, I can't win the lottery).

I did get a very nice surprise yesterday. Whilst at my mom's, she asked if I wanted my birthday/Christmas present. With my birthday being six weeks away from Christmas, I have never gotten a combined gift, but this year it happened. Not that I'm complaining. It's not everyday you get a brand new sewing machine with a 25 year parts warranty. When I find some time today, I'm going to sit and figure out how it goes. Then maybe I can start working on my costume and get that sorted before next week. It also means I should get my mom's old machine back to her as soon as I can. I just don't have the room to store it here.

I still haven't found gainful employ. Damn. I can only give it one more week, though, because my bills won't pay themselves. The Evil Cable Company doesn't want me. Nobody else seems to want me. And I can't take four months to find work (it happened once, which is why I ended up counting other people's shit and wishing I was dead instead of on the road to OFS yet again). My choices are, unfortunately, very very limited. So, I'm left with this, it seems...get something else by the end of next week or it's back to the Hell that Goes Up.

I really really don't want to go back. But it looks like I won't have any other option.

I'm still not very motivated to look for work. Meh. Maybe I should just call this week a write off and leave it at that. Still no call from the Evil Cable Company, either. But, for some reason, this doesn't bother me as much as it should. I know I'm still unemployed with absolutely nothing coming in, but I'm healthy and I know that fuzzpsych loves me.

Am I happy, though?

No. Although there are glimmers of happiness, the wound is still too fresh and I spent a lot of yesterday weeping. I'm more emotionally stable, but it's tenuous, like ice on a pond in March...you just never know how thick it is until you try to stand on it. It's only been five weeks and the sting of the experience can be very strong sometimes.

We had an offer last night to go to meowster's cottage for the weekend. It would be nice to get away, and yet, after six weeks in Toronto on an emotional rollercoaster only to be suddenly thrown off, I'd rather stay home and coccoon. fuzzpsych wants to go and that's fine. He can. But I just don't feel up to it at the moment.

I've also been adding some new people to my flist. One (athena_51, a fellow graduate of the UW Classics Programme) added me and is a "friend of a friend" and two others (snowy_kathryn and zero_design), I had the pleasure of meeting at the last two goth nights at Ren and who just happen to be new to the area. So welcome to you all.

Meh. With an actual interview and a potential one tomorrow, I've decided that I'm not going to bother to look for work today. That said, I feel impending workhood closing in on me and the last thing I want to do right now is go back to work.

I should, though, try to do something constructive with my time (like start exercising regularly again) now that it seems to me that I'm coming to the end of it. Maybe I should write. Part of me wants to, but another just can't be bothered. I have ideas for new stuff (and too much unfinished), but that would take effort.

Must fight apathy. Oh, and laundry. It needs doing, too.

I was too apathetic to even post yesterday. My day consisted of going to a job interview that I didn't want to go to, having a bit of breakdown on the short walk back to the bus stop, considering posting the entire experience to LJ but just didn't care enough to do so (didn't look for work for the same reason), changing my clothes before crawling back into bed for a while, made dinner, finally had the dam burst on my sadness, then stayed up way past my bedtime chatting with a friend state-side.

I needed the chat more than I would have thought. As much as I love you all, it was nice having someone who knew what had happened but could keep objective about it (probably because we've never met in real life and probably never will).

I'm still feeling melancholy, but not as apathetic, which, as strange as this sounds, is a good trade. The only real worry now is not letting this turn into a crippling bout of self-loathing because of my shape/size. It's started to creep in yesterday, but I have to do my best to boot it out the door today.

I feel so incredibly lazy. I should be looking for work...oh, wait a minute, I already did that this morning. It hasn't hit the stressful point yet where not having a paycheque means not paying bills, but it feels very decadent to have all this free time for me.

Now don't get me wrong, I've gotten stuff done like finished off the thank you notes from the funeral donations and prepped/primed the walls in the living room for some touch up painting. It just seems, though, like I'm not doing enough with my time, that I should be out there pounding the pavement looking for something that I know I'll despise because it puts money in the bank.

I guess what it boils down to is a little bit of a guilty feeling because it seems I'm being slothful while fuzzpsych is slogging away at the Hell that Goes Up. I could go back, if I wanted, but I just can't.

I found absolutely nothing today.

The pickings were pretty slim at the Job Bank, but when I checked workopolis.com, I had a very nasty shock. When I check the listings at workopolis, I click the little box that says "Employer Ads Only". Today, that meant there were only 11 jobs (and nothing that I wanted to apply for). So, to compare, I clicked the "Staffing Agency Ads Only" button and searched again. There were 112 jobs listed.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.

I don't want to deal with a staffing agency. It looks to me like the company that is dealing with them to do their hiring is too bloody lazy to do it themselves. And I've heard enough horror stories about agencies that screw over the clients in terms of pay and seniority to be not only wary but also completely turned off by the idea of them.

I agree that they're good for temp work, though. And in that they serve a purpose. But for anything permanent, I smell a scam put forth by both that agency and the company using them.

I actually got some stuff done today. I updated my resumé and applied for no less than seven jobs (!). I hate hate hate cover letters, though. They're little more than contrived pieces of tripe. But I wrote one. Only because it was required. Here's hoping, at least. Working at KWAG would be better than back to the Hell that Goes Up.

I also am doing something a little different this time around. I'm actually keeping track (in a separate notebook) of all the jobs I apply to and any relevant information like hours mentioned or name of contact or position applied to. You'd have thought I would have done this sooner, but no. In this case, I am a very slow learner. :P

Oh, and on top of feeling accomplished, I can wear sandals again! That bruise (or whatever it was causing me pain) is finally dimished enough that it no longer bothers me to have pressure put on that one spot just above and to the left of the ankle bone on my right foot. w00t! No more socks for me until it gets cold again. :)

I slept really poorly last night. One of the cats (probably Franklin) was sick last night and after that woke me up, it took me an hour to get back to sleep. I wasn't even thinking of anything at all. My mind these days is pretty scattered. Some might even mistake it for flakiness. I guess I just have way too much going on right now.

We still have to call EI and tell them what happened. Which means that we're both cut off. I was mistaken when I thought that I had a few weeks before having to go back to work. Turns out, I was dead wrong...that was a pretty nasty shock.

After the funeral stuff is done, we have to find new jobs and do some serious looking for a new place. Any one of these things would be plenty on either of our plates, but all three right on top of each other for both of us is a bit much.

I don't even know if I'll be able to face the working world again. I dunno. Maybe I should. But I know that I don't want to work in anything remotely resembling the service industry. Customer Service is no longer part of my job hunting vocabulary.