In My Feels

Jul. 29th, 2024 04:36 pm
valkryor: (Default)
It's been a week.

But, [personal profile] valkryor, you say, it's only Monday.

And to that I reply, yes, yes it is.

Working backward starting today:
  • Monday - End of July always sucks. Today, it's been 19 years since we lost Shannon. 19! I'm not bawling my eyes out every five minutes or anything so obvious, but I'm flat and gray and glum all the same. We did do groceries this morning, so that's one less thing anyone has to deal with. Oh, and because today isn't 'fun' enough, I think I'm coming down with something. What that something is, or even if it is a thing, I do not know. Whee.
  • Sunday - Was okay, but kind of meh as it's been 22 years since Gus the big Mean Bunny died. I miss him a lot, even if he could be a cantankerous ass about the weirdest things.
  • Saturday - Best day of the lot. It was ostensibly a game day, but [personal profile] clawfoot, Ironstone, and I are making up for the time lost during the Great Panini. Yes, we still gamed, which was great, but in person beats online any day of the week. Good times, good conversation, and one actual combat. It was enough. :)
  • Friday - Mammogram and Ultrasound. Yeah. That just sucks even when you're not facing down the Worst Weekend. I'm not entirely reassured by the number of pictures taken during the ultrasound, especially in places where I didn't find anything; it has been hovering at the edge of my thoughts since. Good times. I also lost a chunk of writing (I use Docs on my phone when I'm out and about) and I have no fucking clue where it went. It was there and then it wasn't. I likely fat-fingered something. Not improving my mood was dealing with public transportation. It was ostensibly fine, and yet... While it wasn't cramped or overly crowded, every bus I took over the two days of appointments was BUSY. Lots of stops, lots of movement of passengers. Which is fine, but I had had enough by the time I had to catch my bus to come home.
  • Thursday - A dental appointment. I mean, a cleaning and exam isn't that bad all things considering, but with the impending mammogram/ultrasound and the Worst Weekend? We'll just say that "dental anxiety" wasn't on my bingo card this year. Oh, and I have work that needs to be done at the end of August. JOY.

    Here's hoping that the thing that wants to invade is nothing more than a stress response to the Worst Week and not an actual virus. I am not a fan of either, but at least the stress response isn't contagious. Super annoying, sure, but I won't make anyone else sick.
  • (no subject)

    Nov. 5th, 2019 08:30 am
    valkryor: (Beatings)
    A few weeks ago, I went to a dermatologist to have something removed from my face (right temple, about the size of a grain of Arborio rice. It was sent off for biopsy, I had a bandage on my face for about five days and that, I hoped, was that.

    I got a call last night from my doctor's office about the results. They were asking if I was going back to the dermatologist for them (nope, was told as much, too). So now I have an appointment next week at gp's office to discuss them and I'm kind of low-key freaking out. If it turns out to be nothing, I'm gonna be mad about it, because no news is good news.

    (no subject)

    Dec. 19th, 2018 08:14 pm
    valkryor: (Default)
    It is amazing how lowering one's expectations of ones self can make stress go away. And so does actually getting things DONE, even if it doesn't seem to be much to someone else.

    - Fruitcake? MADE.
    - Sewing? DONE.
    - Machine? OILED.
    - Boatload of crocheting? CAN WAIT.

    So much better.
    Some stuff that has happened:

    - the last full week of January was full of appointments, including a trip to Sick Kids to meet with the Nephrology team and some testing for Declan to determine what's up with his kidneys and the cysts.

    - when I went in to find out WTF was up with my knee (possible patellofemoral syndrome, which is only 'cured' by eight weeks of physio), got the results of my blood work. It came back normal. You should really see my surprise face on that one. *rolls eyes* The urine test did come back positive for protein (joy) but it's not enough to be worrying. At least it's an easy test to repeat.

    - Declan had no protein in his urine and his blood work came back as normal. So there is that.

    - having your knee x-rayed is weird. The positions you have to keep it in is very unnatural. The highlight of the entire process? Connecting with another mother who was there with her son. We both agreed that shame was something for other people, especially after you've had someone fondling your cervix with others watching. Yay, childbirth.

    - tried to call my shiny new(ish) psychiatrist, since I'm running low on meds. Hahahahaha, no. Apparently, I had a consultancy appointment, and don't actually have a psychiatrist. Cue lots of swearing and gnashing of teeth. Fine, thinks I, it's back to the doc for my meds and make the appointment, which is for this Friday.

    - my games continue to truck along. I am finding that Thorn's voice is nearly silent in my head, but Amy's has gotten very loud. You'll have your time to shine, darlin'. But it's not yet.

    - I am currently bashing my head against getting a data recovery program to actually work. It's my fault that the information is lost, but it shouldn't be THIS hard to get it back. I am frustrated and about this close to pitching my computer off the roof.

    - small victory: picked up Declan from school AND took out the recycling without falling on my ass. It's been raining since this afternoon and freezing, so not slipping and sliding is worth noting.

    (no subject)

    Jul. 31st, 2005 08:16 am
    valkryor: (Default)
    I slept really poorly last night. One of the cats (probably Franklin) was sick last night and after that woke me up, it took me an hour to get back to sleep. I wasn't even thinking of anything at all. My mind these days is pretty scattered. Some might even mistake it for flakiness. I guess I just have way too much going on right now.

    We still have to call EI and tell them what happened. Which means that we're both cut off. I was mistaken when I thought that I had a few weeks before having to go back to work. Turns out, I was dead wrong...that was a pretty nasty shock.

    After the funeral stuff is done, we have to find new jobs and do some serious looking for a new place. Any one of these things would be plenty on either of our plates, but all three right on top of each other for both of us is a bit much.

    I don't even know if I'll be able to face the working world again. I dunno. Maybe I should. But I know that I don't want to work in anything remotely resembling the service industry. Customer Service is no longer part of my job hunting vocabulary.

    (no subject)

    Jul. 21st, 2005 08:26 pm
    valkryor: (Default)
    Not much news on the Shannon front. What they're trying to do now is wean her off morphine and the ventilator. If she can't come off the ventilator, then they'll have to put in another stent, but this time in the left brochial branch. But for now, they want to see if she'll be okay without it. She's still not in a crib, but that should happen as soon as one comes available.

    One of Shannon's roommates has been moved into a private room. He hasn't been doing very well as of late and there was a big family meeting today regarding what to do next. His parents have been really dazed, but the longer you are in the CCU, the longer you recognize the look to be what it is: stressed, tired and very very worried. It hasn't been easy on them. I hope that, for good or ill, something happens soon.

    And now, a meme... )

    (no subject)

    Jul. 8th, 2005 09:48 pm
    valkryor: (Default)
    I'm feeling better today. I think I just had to hit rock bottom before bouncing back. I was even giddy and bouncing off the walls in the hospital. The manic depressive like mood swings are stress related. Yippee. :P

    No news, really. Shannon's bleeding less today, but they're not sure what they're going to do about her lungs. Her right one is okay, but her left has collapsed. As long as she's on the ECMO, this isn't an issue. But she can't be on this indefinitely, so something needs to be done. And, to make things more interesting, they found a bug in her blood and there might be an infection in her lungs. The cultures haven't finished growing yet, so they're not sure. Since she's on a boatload of antibiotics (her chest is still open), the infection is either viral or resistant. I hope it's viral. A resistant strain of bacterium won't be pretty (and it scares me nearly to death).

    It would be ideal if they could get her lung reinflated with compressed air, but with the amount of compression in her lungs, that doesn't seem to be a viable solution. A stent, while last resort on account of the stents in her pulmonary arteries, is more ideal. But having metal rubbing against metal with only delicate tissue between them is a real possibility, so that is a last resort. The problem is we're now down to last resorts to get Shannon off of the ECMO.

    And as soon as her lungs are up and running, they can finally wean her off the machines and finally figure out if the last heart surgery they did on June 30 actually worked.

    I got to put up some pictures of Shannon before she went into the hospital, partially so the nurses and the techs and the fellows and the doctors could know what she looks like not covered in wires and hooked up to machines and partially to remind both of us what a vibrant happy little girl we have and that she'll be like that again so we can take more pictures full of smiles.

    (no subject)

    Jul. 3rd, 2005 06:33 pm
    valkryor: (Default)
    I feel so empty. And I'm finding it harder and harder to go to the hospital, but everytime I leave I'm afraid something else is going to go wrong. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. But it just never fucking ends.

    I don't want to lose my baby.

    (no subject)

    Jul. 3rd, 2005 09:11 am
    valkryor: (Default)
    The pager went off twice last night. The first time to tell us that they were going to be switching to the oscillator and the second came two hours later...they had to put Shannon on the ECHMO (heart-lung machine, or more formerly extracorperal membrane oxygenation). After nearly two weeks intubated in the CCU, her lungs are failing.

    The ECHMO is a last ditch attempt. If she can't handle going off of it, then there is nothing left.

    She can recover from this, the only question that matters is will she?

    (no subject)

    Jun. 30th, 2005 09:38 am
    valkryor: (Default)
    And just because my life wasn't messed up enough, I now have to deal with the menstrual hormonal rollercoaster on top of all of the hospital funness. Oh joy.

    (no subject)

    Jun. 29th, 2005 10:01 pm
    valkryor: (Default)
    I'm getting so tired of the uncertainty. Things didn't go as planned today, but I really don't feel like updating that bit, so I'm leaving it to my other half.

    I don't know what to do or what to feel or how to be anymore.

    "I don't know"...just three little words. And I can't even begin to describe how much I hate them.

    But it's the only thing I have left anymore that makes people stop asking questions.

    And I'm starting to hate myself for not having anything more to offer except those three words.

    So please, please don't ask me how I'm doing. I honestly and truly do not know.

    (no subject)

    Jun. 28th, 2005 06:37 pm
    valkryor: (Default)
    Surgery happened. It was another eight hours waiting in a lounge that I have grown to hate.

    On the good news front, Dr Calderone was able to unkink and reposition her pulmonary arteries to increase blood flow and oxygenation and decrease the pressures in her head. Shannon may have to go in in a few months time to have another stent put into her left pulmonary artery (the aorta is compressing it with each heartbeat), but that will happen in the Cath Lab which is not as intrusive or as traumatic as open heart surgery. Shannon's chest is still open, and, if all goes to plan, that should be closed at bedside in a couple of days.

    On the bad news front, we have no idea when she'll be out of the hospital and we'll be out of Toronto.

    Yesterday, because we both needed some retail therapy, [livejournal.com profile] fuzzpsych bought booze and music and I picked up a couple of t-shirts and two pairs of skorts (full skirts with cotton undershorts sewn right in...ingenious!), since I only have long pants and it's really really fucking hot again. One of them is a size 22! Which makes me feel good, since I'm usually a 24 in bottoms at Addition-Elle. It's a cheap ego boost, but right now I need as much as I can get.

    More Surgery

    Jun. 27th, 2005 12:47 pm
    valkryor: (Default)
    We just found out that Shannon needs to go in for another round of surgery. Her pulmonary arteries have too much excess tissue and it's starting to kink and fold in on itself a little like an intestine, which is not ideal. The hope is that this will solve the low oxygen saturation levels and aid in her recovery.

    We have no time limit for the surgery itself, since this is a tweaking of sorts and not a standard procedure. It could take three hours or ten. We've already been told by Dr Calderone, the surgeon, to not watch the clock.

    Poopie.

    EDIT: The surgery is set for tomorrow (Tuesday). Shannon's first case, so if it all goes according to plan, she should be in the OR at 8 am. Sorry about the confusion on the time.

    Post-Op

    Jun. 23rd, 2005 01:57 am
    valkryor: (Default)
    We just got back from Sick Kids. Even though Shannon was first case and went into the OR at 815, it didn't go well. Technically, the operation went fine. But the pressure in her lungs was too high and it took a long long time to get it where the surgical team wanted it. Since there was nothing we could do, we came back to where we were staying because sleeping on the hospital couches isn't what we needed right now.

    I almost lost my baby today.

    The same quote played over and over in my head and it made me angry because they felt hollow and cheap, even though they comforted me once upon a time.

    "You get what everyone gets. You get a lifetime."

    (no subject)

    Jun. 22nd, 2005 05:02 am
    valkryor: (Default)
    My stomach's in knots; all twisted and nauseous. There's a full moon outside this window as I type this. The sky is just starting to get lighter as the moon, now the colour of gold, is sinking westward. And for once, the Gardiner is moving along quite nicely.

    If the surgery gets put off again, I will go mad.

    Dread

    Jun. 21st, 2005 01:16 pm
    valkryor: (Wings)
    The lump of dread is sitting in my throat now. Hopefully by this time tomorrow, it will be done and over with only the wait for recovery.

    (If there's one more set back I will fucking scream. I can't do this waiting thing anymore. My sister and her boy have been great, but it would be just too fucking much.)

    Poopie

    Jun. 20th, 2005 10:51 am
    valkryor: (Default)
    Got a call from the hospital this morning. Shannon's surgery has been moved to Wednesday now. Trying very very hard not to scream in frustration. I just want this to be over. I'm sick of the lump of dread sitting in my gut.

    (no subject)

    Jun. 18th, 2005 08:57 pm
    valkryor: (Default)
    I feel better today. I dunno. I guess I just needed to get the ick out by letting others know that I was feeling bad.

    Thank you to [livejournal.com profile] clawfoot, [livejournal.com profile] lovecraftienne, [livejournal.com profile] the_daily_rant, [livejournal.com profile] robertom for the kind words, and also to [livejournal.com profile] joncanuck and [livejournal.com profile] meowster for being on Messenger when I needed someone to be there. Damned near everything about this entire experience is a great big bowl of ass sucking cherry pits and being in limbo only emphasizes the bad bits.

    So. Um. Yeah. Thanks and all that. :)

    I'm so stressed out my eczema is coming back on my left pinkie. Just what I need. :P

    And until the wee one is in hospital, no movies for us. Sorry about that, [livejournal.com profile] clawfoot. :( But if you want to stop by and hang out or something, that can happen. Just give us a call.

    In other (and probably more important) news, Shannon rolled over for the first time yesterday. It seems like she's late, but if she's anything like my sister, she's doing things in her own sweet time. :)

    (no subject)

    Jun. 14th, 2005 03:29 pm
    valkryor: (Default)
    Today was a complete and utter cock up. Why? Instead of being at Sick Kids right at this very moment waiting for Shannon's surgery to finish, we're back at my sister's with the baby, having wasted our entire day for no fucking reason. Well, there is a reason. But it should not have come from the surgeon. It should have come from one of the two nurses who saw Shannon hours earlier. The reason: a heat rash. Because of the nature of the sugery, they don't want to risk infection. Which is fair enough, but why did the nurses just take heat rash as a good answer and not do something about it hours ago?

    Mini Update

    Jun. 13th, 2005 06:45 pm
    valkryor: (Default)
    We made it to Toronto okay. It's very cool to be on the 26th floor (well, not really...it's more like the 22nd because of the numbers missing) in the middle of a thunderstorm. Ye gods, is air conditioning a wonderful thing! :)

    Tomorrow is going to suck ass.

    June 2025

    S M T W T F S
    1234567
    8 91011121314
    15161718192021
    22232425262728
    2930     

    Syndicate

    RSS Atom

    Most Popular Tags

    Style Credit

    Expand Cut Tags

    No cut tags
    Page generated Jun. 11th, 2025 09:21 pm
    Powered by Dreamwidth Studios