Brain currently booting in Safe Mode

A few weeks ago, I went to a dermatologist to have something removed from my face (right temple, about the size of a grain of Arborio rice. It was sent off for biopsy, I had a bandage on my face for about five days and that, I hoped, was that.

I got a call last night from my doctor's office about the results. They were asking if I was going back to the dermatologist for them (nope, was told as much, too). So now I have an appointment next week at gp's office to discuss them and I'm kind of low-key freaking out. If it turns out to be nothing, I'm gonna be mad about it, because no news is good news.

Some stuff that has happened:

- the last full week of January was full of appointments, including a trip to Sick Kids to meet with the Nephrology team and some testing for Declan to determine what's up with his kidneys and the cysts.

- when I went in to find out WTF was up with my knee (possible patellofemoral syndrome, which is only 'cured' by eight weeks of physio), got the results of my blood work. It came back normal. You should really see my surprise face on that one. *rolls eyes* The urine test did come back positive for protein (joy) but it's not enough to be worrying. At least it's an easy test to repeat.

- Declan had no protein in his urine and his blood work came back as normal. So there is that.

- having your knee x-rayed is weird. The positions you have to keep it in is very unnatural. The highlight of the entire process? Connecting with another mother who was there with her son. We both agreed that shame was something for other people, especially after you've had someone fondling your cervix with others watching. Yay, childbirth.

- tried to call my shiny new(ish) psychiatrist, since I'm running low on meds. Hahahahaha, no. Apparently, I had a consultancy appointment, and don't actually have a psychiatrist. Cue lots of swearing and gnashing of teeth. Fine, thinks I, it's back to the doc for my meds and make the appointment, which is for this Friday.

- my games continue to truck along. I am finding that Thorn's voice is nearly silent in my head, but Amy's has gotten very loud. You'll have your time to shine, darlin'. But it's not yet.

- I am currently bashing my head against getting a data recovery program to actually work. It's my fault that the information is lost, but it shouldn't be THIS hard to get it back. I am frustrated and about this close to pitching my computer off the roof.

- small victory: picked up Declan from school AND took out the recycling without falling on my ass. It's been raining since this afternoon and freezing, so not slipping and sliding is worth noting.

Not much news on the Shannon front. What they're trying to do now is wean her off morphine and the ventilator. If she can't come off the ventilator, then they'll have to put in another stent, but this time in the left brochial branch. But for now, they want to see if she'll be okay without it. She's still not in a crib, but that should happen as soon as one comes available.

One of Shannon's roommates has been moved into a private room. He hasn't been doing very well as of late and there was a big family meeting today regarding what to do next. His parents have been really dazed, but the longer you are in the CCU, the longer you recognize the look to be what it is: stressed, tired and very very worried. It hasn't been easy on them. I hope that, for good or ill, something happens soon.

( And now, a meme... )

I feel so empty. And I'm finding it harder and harder to go to the hospital, but everytime I leave I'm afraid something else is going to go wrong. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. But it just never fucking ends.

I don't want to lose my baby.

And just because my life wasn't messed up enough, I now have to deal with the menstrual hormonal rollercoaster on top of all of the hospital funness. Oh joy.

Surgery happened. It was another eight hours waiting in a lounge that I have grown to hate.

On the good news front, Dr Calderone was able to unkink and reposition her pulmonary arteries to increase blood flow and oxygenation and decrease the pressures in her head. Shannon may have to go in in a few months time to have another stent put into her left pulmonary artery (the aorta is compressing it with each heartbeat), but that will happen in the Cath Lab which is not as intrusive or as traumatic as open heart surgery. Shannon's chest is still open, and, if all goes to plan, that should be closed at bedside in a couple of days.

On the bad news front, we have no idea when she'll be out of the hospital and we'll be out of Toronto.

Yesterday, because we both needed some retail therapy, fuzzpsych bought booze and music and I picked up a couple of t-shirts and two pairs of skorts (full skirts with cotton undershorts sewn right in...ingenious!), since I only have long pants and it's really really fucking hot again. One of them is a size 22! Which makes me feel good, since I'm usually a 24 in bottoms at Addition-Elle. It's a cheap ego boost, but right now I need as much as I can get.

We just got back from Sick Kids. Even though Shannon was first case and went into the OR at 815, it didn't go well. Technically, the operation went fine. But the pressure in her lungs was too high and it took a long long time to get it where the surgical team wanted it. Since there was nothing we could do, we came back to where we were staying because sleeping on the hospital couches isn't what we needed right now.

I almost lost my baby today.

The same quote played over and over in my head and it made me angry because they felt hollow and cheap, even though they comforted me once upon a time.

"You get what everyone gets. You get a lifetime."

The lump of dread is sitting in my throat now. Hopefully by this time tomorrow, it will be done and over with only the wait for recovery.

(If there's one more set back I will fucking scream. I can't do this waiting thing anymore. My sister and her boy have been great, but it would be just too fucking much.)

I feel better today. I dunno. I guess I just needed to get the ick out by letting others know that I was feeling bad.

Thank you to clawfoot, lovecraftienne, the_daily_rant, robertom for the kind words, and also to joncanuck and meowster for being on Messenger when I needed someone to be there. Damned near everything about this entire experience is a great big bowl of ass sucking cherry pits and being in limbo only emphasizes the bad bits.

So. Um. Yeah. Thanks and all that. :)

I'm so stressed out my eczema is coming back on my left pinkie. Just what I need. :P

And until the wee one is in hospital, no movies for us. Sorry about that, clawfoot. :( But if you want to stop by and hang out or something, that can happen. Just give us a call.

In other (and probably more important) news, Shannon rolled over for the first time yesterday. It seems like she's late, but if she's anything like my sister, she's doing things in her own sweet time. :)

We made it to Toronto okay. It's very cool to be on the 26th floor (well, not really...it's more like the 22nd because of the numbers missing) in the middle of a thunderstorm. Ye gods, is air conditioning a wonderful thing! :)

Tomorrow is going to suck ass.