(no subject)

[valkryor]

When I commented on a friend’s LJ post that he was off-centred and off-balance, I didn’t realize that I was reflecting my own life, that I, too, mirrored being out of synch and need to find my centre.

In essence, the pot calling the kettle black, without the nastiness.

For the last little while I have been seriously depressed, with no rhyme or reason to when it strikes. Since high school, I’ve had body issues and bouts of self-pity, but the bouts never lasted more than a day, although the body issues have been a constant.

Right now, though, I can’t snap myself out of it. And nor can anyone else, despite their best efforts.

I feel so worthless, second rate, fat, ugly and completely unappealing.

I also feel like I’m to blame for having such a beautiful baby girl who’s so badly broken.

I know that it’s not my fault that Shannon has 22q11 microdeletion and everything that’s come with it. I know that it’s random chance or even ignorance if it turns out that either fuzzpsych or I have the syndrome, but knowledge is one thing and feelings something else. And right now, the feelings are the issue.

The guilt is slowly diminishing, quietly being replaced by worthlessness. I feel like I’m not worthy of so much: a perfectly healthy baby girl, friends and family, the love and affection of my husband.

I feel so low. So small. So beneath everyone’s notice that I have no idea why anyone would notice me at all.

I’m apathetic and lethargic. I know what needs to be done, but I have no energy or desire to do it and I just don’t care enough to make the effort.

I need help. I know that. But I shy away from asking, not wanting to be a burden on anyone, not wanting anyone else to know how sad I am.

Comments

:o(

[meowster.livejournal.com]

let's have tea again soon, ok? *hugs*

make that call for an appointment. i'll do it for you if you need me to.

i need to kick myself in the ass and get movin' on getting in better shape. maybe we could do a walking program or something. they have a free track at RIM park or at the area on Father David Bauer Drive. maybe clawfoot would be interested, too? the more the merrier!

Re: :o(

[valkryor.livejournal.com]

That might not be such a bad idea. Or swimming at the Rec Centre (especially if you want to entice clawfoot to join us. Times might be weird with fuzzpsych's work schedule and Tabula's appointments, but that's something we can hash out later.

this cat don't like H20

[meowster.livejournal.com]

the good thing about the Rec Centre and RIM park is that they have pretty good hours. i'll check the exact times

information on local services

[meowster.livejournal.com]

Support is available for new mothers concerned about post-partum blues by calling the Grand River Hospital social work department ((519) 749-4300, ext. 2267) or the crisis clinic ((519) 749-4300, ext. 2353).

Re: information on local services

[valkryor.livejournal.com]

If I can't get ahold of Cathy at Kid's Ability, then I will give one of these a try. How I'm feeling is getting way out of control.

[fuzzpsych.livejournal.com]

Hey love. I've been trying to get you to get help for ages. PLEASE talk to Cathy at kid's ability, or Dr. Wilson, or the numbers above. You know I'm behind whatever route you decide to take, but you have to decide to take one. Love you completely.

[valkryor.livejournal.com]

I will call Cathy tomorrow. As early as I can.

[epi-lj.livejournal.com]

I hope the suggestions everyone had help. I'm sorry that you're feeling that way. It's not your fault. I wish I could offer more assistance, somehow.

[valkryor.livejournal.com]

I know. And thank you. It's not an easy thing to respond to because there doesn't seem to be any valid responses, but acknowledgement is valid. It will help me remember that there are people out there who care about me.

[clawfoot.livejournal.com]

I'm here. I'm listening. I wish I knew what more I could do.

[wildelf.livejournal.com]

Okay, you've heard from all the NICE people...

*nod* You've several avenues for counselling. Explore 'em.

Also, friends are friends for a reason. You CAN'T be a burden to your friends. If you need a hand, an ear, a shoulder, you got 'em all and more.

Take a pass on the body issues. So you're not a skinny little 6' tall model... y'know, with enough cocaine, heroin and alcohol, you COULD be *chuckle* Honestly though, you're a valkyrie... and a damned gorgeous one at that, k?
You're also creative and imaginative and have a twisted sense of humour.
You've a wonderful husband and an exquisite daughter... you've brought life into the world. So it's flawed... it can be fixed. This is a good thing, yes. And everyone is flawed somehow... some just don't show it until they're in their 20s *heh*

So... do some grounding and centering yourself or I'll offer you the same boot that I use on myself [IN the same area... you having a slightly more easily hit target than I].

Oh, and meowster has a good idea... physical activity and exercise will definitely help everything rebalance.

[valkryor.livejournal.com]

If I need that boot, I'll give you a ring. :) I've always had a hard time asking for help, even when I needed it. It's one of the reasons I feel like I'm being a burden when I do ask. I've always been far too independent for my own good.

[wildelf.livejournal.com]

*nod* Most of the people I know are independant. Fiercely so. It's a good thing... but it's also a bad thing, in some ways.
And I was thinking 'bout it last night... you've the build of a mother, y'know? The classic look of a mother... germanic, italian... old world style. Glory in that 'cause you got it by the bucketload *nod*

[hollygoth.livejournal.com]

Hey you!!!
stop that!!!
you're beautiful!!!
and on a more practical note. have you talked to someone about post partum?
::hugs::