valkryor | (no subject)

When I commented on a friend’s LJ post that he was off-centred and off-balance, I didn’t realize that I was reflecting my own life, that I, too, mirrored being out of synch and need to find my centre.

In essence, the pot calling the kettle black, without the nastiness.

For the last little while I have been seriously depressed, with no rhyme or reason to when it strikes. Since high school, I’ve had body issues and bouts of self-pity, but the bouts never lasted more than a day, although the body issues have been a constant.

Right now, though, I can’t snap myself out of it. And nor can anyone else, despite their best efforts.

I feel so worthless, second rate, fat, ugly and completely unappealing.

I also feel like I’m to blame for having such a beautiful baby girl who’s so badly broken.

I know that it’s not my fault that Shannon has 22q11 microdeletion and everything that’s come with it. I know that it’s random chance or even ignorance if it turns out that either

fuzzpsych or I have the syndrome, but knowledge is one thing and feelings something else. And right now, the feelings are the issue.

The guilt is slowly diminishing, quietly being replaced by worthlessness. I feel like I’m not worthy of so much: a perfectly healthy baby girl, friends and family, the love and affection of my husband.

I feel so low. So small. So beneath everyone’s notice that I have no idea why anyone would notice me at all.

I’m apathetic and lethargic. I know what needs to be done, but I have no energy or desire to do it and I just don’t care enough to make the effort.

I need help. I know that. But I shy away from asking, not wanting to be a burden on anyone, not wanting anyone else to know how sad I am.