(no subject)

[valkryor]

I had my first session with a social/mental health worker who deals with post partum depressed mothers. It was mostly answering a whole bunch of questions on a the main emotions, medical history and main concerns.

For the first time, I admitted to someone besides myself that I sometimes have suicidal thoughts.

I know that's not a good thing. I also know what it's like to live through when you're close to the person who has just killed themselves. Which is why, when I start having serious considerations about leaving permanently, I think about Gus the Big Mean Bunny and what it felt like to lose him like that.

I couldn't do that to any of you.

I came home from the hospital and almost immediately had a breakdown. I was told it might happen, but I hadn't really been paying attention (isn't that awful?) at the time. I'm worried that all my hard work will be for naught, that nothing will change. I will still feel guitly and worthless and a wee bit suicidal while fuzzpsych becomes more and more despondent because I can't get my shit together. For those of you paying any attention to these ramblings, MatLeave isn't all it's cracked up to be. I get very lonely being at home with the baby. And even though I need it, I also feel guilty taking time for myself, alone without the podling or husband, like I don't deserve it somehow.

< sigh > So much crap to work through. I just hope I can get somewhere with it.

Comments

[epi-lj.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that you're seeing the worker, and I really, really hope that they can help you. Remember that your mental health is like your physical health: You don't feel like a less worthwhile person for getting a cold, and if you had something really serious like pneumonia, you'd need help to recover. I hope you have good success. You do deserve it.