(no subject)

[valkryor]

I had my first session with a social/mental health worker who deals with post partum depressed mothers. It was mostly answering a whole bunch of questions on a the main emotions, medical history and main concerns.

For the first time, I admitted to someone besides myself that I sometimes have suicidal thoughts.

I know that's not a good thing. I also know what it's like to live through when you're close to the person who has just killed themselves. Which is why, when I start having serious considerations about leaving permanently, I think about Gus the Big Mean Bunny and what it felt like to lose him like that.

I couldn't do that to any of you.

I came home from the hospital and almost immediately had a breakdown. I was told it might happen, but I hadn't really been paying attention (isn't that awful?) at the time. I'm worried that all my hard work will be for naught, that nothing will change. I will still feel guitly and worthless and a wee bit suicidal while fuzzpsych becomes more and more despondent because I can't get my shit together. For those of you paying any attention to these ramblings, MatLeave isn't all it's cracked up to be. I get very lonely being at home with the baby. And even though I need it, I also feel guilty taking time for myself, alone without the podling or husband, like I don't deserve it somehow.

< sigh > So much crap to work through. I just hope I can get somewhere with it.

Comments

*hugs*

[meowster.livejournal.com]

the first session is one of the hardest. all those questions about really hard subjects and emotions packed into a short period of time. it's a necessary thing though - for the counsellor and for you. it forces you to put all those thoughts, feelings, and historical happenings together in one place. that makes for one heck of an eye-opener, doesn't it?

i'm glad to hear that you've taken the first step to getting yourself better. the first step is definitely without question the hardest of them all.

the best thing that you can do for yourself is to be as honest as you can with your counsellor. it helps to know that what goes on in the session, stays in the session.

shannon, fuzzpsych and well... all of us really, are VERY lucky to have such a wonderful caring person in our lives (psst... that's you *grin*)

once i get over this cold, let's go for tea. mmmmmmtea

Re: *hugs*

[valkryor.livejournal.com]

Yer on. Tea, as ever, would be lovely.

[clawfoot.livejournal.com]

You know, if you need an evening to yourself, you can always drop the crotchloaf on my lap for a couple hours. ;)

Or, conversely, we can drop her on my mother's lap for an hour or so and go do something fun.

Or, I can just come over and hang out with you both. :)

That said, I'm very glad you've taken this step. I know it feels like you have no strength, but that took a lot of it.

Should you need anything, you know I'm there in a heartbeat.

[twilightrabbit.livejournal.com]

I tried writing something...but...
I'd much rather give you a real hug and have a real conversation with you and share some stories over this.
You may still not believe it, but you are incredibly strong.

[joncanuck]

I can't argue with what anyone has posted here, real strength comes in not only being able to admit that you need help but going out and actually getting it. You've shown courage in what you are doing, and that speaks wonders for the woman you are

It was good keeping you company, we'll have to do that again soon :)

*HUGS*

[epi-lj.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that you're seeing the worker, and I really, really hope that they can help you. Remember that your mental health is like your physical health: You don't feel like a less worthwhile person for getting a cold, and if you had something really serious like pneumonia, you'd need help to recover. I hope you have good success. You do deserve it.