(no subject)

[valkryor]

I'm not sure what to feel anymore. I'm anxious to get back to doing something besides hanging around the house. I guess all that time in Toronto hanging around Sick Kids/my sister's really killed the vacation-like or unemployed feel of having no where to go and nothing to do. So, it's time to find work again. Not necessarily a bad thing...since it does mean that I'm focused on something else and not staring at the curtained area where the crib is and moping all day.

It's strange. Both fuzzpsych and I feel a little bit guilty that we're not crying/mourning enough. But after six weeks of watching Shannon lay there like a warm meat-sack and being told numerous times that she wasn't going to make it, grieving (for me, at least) is old news. I cried so often by her bed crushed by the mere thought of losing her, afraid that it would end in Toronto. And it did. Now I have to move on.

It's not very eloquent or even very nice, but it's accurate. We have to move as soon as we can and both of us have to go back to some form of employment. And for me (at this moment, anyway), the sooner, the better.

Comments

[hollygoth.livejournal.com]

oh good. your normal.

Hugs and lots of love to you both

[robertom.livejournal.com]

seems to be a perfectly reasonable reaction, love. from where i sit there seems to be little reason for guilt on either of your parts.

[poeticalpanther.livejournal.com]

Do you want some help taking things down this weekend? It's probably less emotional for us to do.

Just a thought.

Oh, and I don't think there's anything wrong with your reactions at all. When my father was killed, my sister and I had to wait three days before my mother could come get us (we were in California). What did we do with our three days? Well, I don't remember a lot, but I know we went minigolfing at least twice, and to the video arcades (I was 15, my sister 12). We laughed, and played.

:shrug: People respond in idiosyncratic ways. There's no "right" way to do it; you just have to muddle through the best you can. That you're able to feel a certain amount of normalisation at this point seems reasonable: you've had your lives totally disrupted for several months, and now you're going, :blink, blink: and looking around at the world again, instead of being focused so inwardly.

I was really glad you folks came last night. I had a terrific time, I don't remember when I've laughed so much. :)

[clawfoot.livejournal.com]

There's no "right" way to grieve. I used to wonder if I "didn't love Dave enough" when I did not sink into a deep, unshifting depression after he died. I mean... wasn't a dutiful wife supposed to waste away to nothing? Wasn't I supposed to perish of a broken heart? Wasn't I supposed to weep and wail and rage against the universe and beat my chest and tear my hair out and generally fall apart at the seams?

I did weep, but I dunno if I ever wailed. My heart was broken, but I didn't perish of it. And frankly, me wasting away to nothing would take a fuck of a long time. I've got a lot of me to waste.

Anyway, I'm getting silly now. ;)

Oh, and I came across this today:

http://www.workinculture.on.ca/

For finding jobs with museums, musicians, event planning, and all sorts of fun stuff. I know you liked being at the art gallery. I dunno how much there will be applicable for you, but it might be interesting to give a look.

[valkryor.livejournal.com]

There is actually one job that I'm kinda sorta qualified for. I'm going to send in a resume and cover letter and see what happens.

[iamjw.livejournal.com]

I was wondering if you'd been feeling that way at all - and sort of expected that you would be.

Not trying to compare situations at all here but - my father died of a brain aneurysm. He was fine one day and the next he was on life support. He lived for three days. It was fast. It was brutal. I cried for months. My mother had Alzheimers. She was in a nursing home for 10 years, and for the last 7 of those had no idea who any of us were, could not speak, was not herself in any recognizable way. When she finally died, I cried at her funeral and then went back to my life.

I think there's only so much mourning one can do before life takes over again. It seems perfectly reasonable to me that, after all you've been through at Shannon's bedside for the last six weeks, you would need to start moving on.

I don't think it's in any way disrespectful to her memory, or wrong, or weird. I think it's just taking the next breath and getting on with things.